U.S. President Barack Obama nominated Appeals Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor to become the next Supreme Court Justice
AT&T
•news is made by for something other than the lousy mobile phone service of
Borowitz, Andy
•insufficient media attention to Jon & Kate Plus Eight is bemoaned by
Burris, Sen. Roland
•wiretapped efforts of to figure out how to buy Obama's Senate seat from Blagojevich without having it look like it was bought
California Supreme Court
•ban on gay marriage is upheld by while previously performed gay marriages are recognized as legal by — huh?
Carlson, Tucker
•paucity of critics of the Obama administration is noted — and a solution to that nonexistent problem is offered — by
Cheney, Dick
•benightedness of (it means a state of moral or intellectual darkness or unenlightenment) is pointed out by former secretary of state Lawrence Eagleburger
•pressuring of CIA by (along with Rumsfeld) to lie to Congress more than three decades ago
Clinton, Bill
•the Kennedys and Bill Richardson are not forgiven by
Deal, Rep. Nathan
•proposal by to deny "birthright citizenship" to newborns whose parents are in the U.S. illegally
Eminem
•droll ditty about drug-addicted mother of ("I know you're probably tired of hearing 'bout my mom") is highlight of fifth straight number one album by
Gibson, Mel
•lips of Octo-mom are mocked by despite similar countenance of newly impregnated girlfriend of
Johnston, Levi
•revelation by that Todd Palin repeatedly offered to buy Bristol a new car in exchange for the dumping of
Kerik, Bernard
•latest indictment of
Lee, Brenda
•kicking and screaming of result in dragging away from Air Force One of
Limbaugh, Rush
•desire of for Sotomayor to — yep, you guessed it — FAIL!
Madonna
•faultlessness of is noted by 22-year-old boyfriend of
•faults of seem less obscure in nude painting of
McCluskey, John W.
•explanation by that Rudy Giuliani was accosted on a Bridgehampton street by because "I am not a respecter of him"
Muller, Erich "Mancow"
•torturous nature of waterboarding is rapidly discovered by, as is the torturous nature of the jailhouse comedy stylings of accused third-wife-killer and suspected fourth-wife-killer Drew Peterson
National Organization for Marriage
•latest ad from urges viewers to call their senators and urge them to "SAY NO TO SAME SAME SEX MARRAIGE"
Nowitzki, Dirk
•extreme caddishness of
Obama, President Barack
•failure of — and the failure of anyone else in the repulsively wussy party of — to rise to the occasion and lead the fight for gay civil rights
O'Reilly, Bill
•cretinous claim is made by that if same sex marriage was legalized, "you could have married a duck"
Peters, Ralph
•necessity for future "military attacks on the partisan media" is crazily envisioned by
Petraeus, Gen. David
•Obama's decision to shut down Guantanamo is endorsed by
Shields, Brooke
•revelation by that virginity of was maintained for 22 years — oh, wait, you don't care, right, of course not, why would you?
Smith, Robert M.
•details of how the New York Times blew the Watergate story are revealed 37 years after the fact by
Sobule, Jill
•Rupert Murdoch is serenaded by
Sotomayor, Sonia
•attacks by conservatives on — despite summa cum laude degree and various other academic achievements of — as an intellectual lightweight
•lie is told about by Chuck Todd
•Mike Huckabee refers to as "Maria Sotomayor" because, you know, aren't all Latina women named Maria?
•nomination of demonstrates victory of "empathy ... over excellence" to notorious non-empathizer John Yoo
•nomination of demonstrates why any prediction by Bill Kristol should be met by loud and derisive cackling
•pronunciation by of own name (So-to-may-OR) is deemed by Mark Krikorian — hell, let's call him Kri-ko-ri-AN — to be "unnatural"
•"racist" label is liberally applied to by desperate conservatives
•unanimous confirmation is now impossible for
Specter, Sen. Arlen
•wildly undeserved free ride may yet be denied to
T.I.
•price is paid by for 2007 efforts of to buy unregistered machine guns and silencers from undercover federal agents
Twitter
•co-founders of clearly have no idea how to make money from
•suffering of people who feel that life is bereft of meaning without a TV series based on is soon to be alleviated
West, Kanye
•book is co-written by despite contempt for books — "Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books" — of