Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

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Bachmann, Rep. Michele
•observation by that Obama has engaged in an "orgy" of fiscal irresponsibility and "the government spent its wad" prematurely

strange things said by before any of us were listening to

Bank of America
•oops! $34 billion in new capital is needed by

Capello, Kim
•family of is apologized to for "poor decision-making on my part" which led to the charging of with indecent exposure after the having of public sex by (with a woman not the wife of) at 2 a.m. in the parking lot of the bar just departed from by

•naked woman caught having sex with claimed that clothes on the ground beside them were not hers

Chase, Chevy
•utter and total lack of public demand — or even, really, tolerance — for the return to network television of is ignored by NBC, which announces plans for the weekly infliction on viewers of in the new show Community, whose ratings are guaranteed to be miniscule at first and shrink dramatically once audiences are exposed to the noxious presence of

54% of weekly worshippers at say the use of torture is "often" or "sometimes" justified, an opinion held by only 42% of those who rarely or never attend

•photos of Republicans are doctored to make them look more like

•New York slaughterhouse is escaped from by

Cutie, Rev. Alberto
•"forgiveness" is asked for by following the photographing of while frolicking on a beach with a woman in a bikini

DeLuise, Dom
passing of

Edwards, John
•investigation into financing of groups supporting the 2008 presidential campaign of to see if money was illegally paid to mistress of

•mistress of reacts to brutally unflattering portrait in book by wife of by saying maybe it would be a good idea after all to ascertain the identity of her daughter's father so, yes, let's do that DNA test

wife of is uncertain about continuing love for

Giuliani, Rudy
•failure of to attend wedding of gay couple crashed with by during ugly second divorce of

Hannity, Sean
•idiotically huge fuss is made by about Obama's preference for Dijon mustard, as if this was now going to make all those crazy tens of millions of Americans who like him suddenly realize that he's a contemptibly effete snob — why, he's practically French, he might as well be John Kerry! — and really, we were all so much better off with his criminally ignorant predecessor

Jacobson, William A.
•media mustard conspiracy is uncovered by

•Senate hearing on the future of

Madoff, Bernard
•long-time secretary of has some stories to tell about, and she tells them

ludicrous outfit is sported by

Obama, President Barack
•Fox News website features a photo of a rifle pointing at a photo of the head of

•mother of is posthumously baptized by Mormons who have previously demonstrated their chutzpah by performing the ritual on Jewish Holocaust victims

The Onion
•report by that "Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again"

Peterson, Drew
•arrest of is finally made in connection with death of third wife of, though not yet in connection with disappearance of fourth wife of

Prejean, Carrie
•stories about anti-gay marriage stance of lead to stories about breast implants of, which are quickly overtaken by stories about nude photos of

Ramirez, Manny
•50-game suspension of after banned substance is found in the body of

Rice, Condoleezza
•Nixonian argument of that waterboarding is not torture because it was authorized by Bush and therefore, simply by virtue of its White House approval, is legal, and so, to sum up, cannot possibly be torture, which is illegal

Robertson, Pat
•prediction is seriously made by — "You mark my words" — that legalization of gay marriage will lead to legalization of "all the things that we consider to be abhorrent," including bestiality, child molestation and pedophilia

Savage, Michael
•explanation by that previous description of 99% of autism cases as "a brat who hasn't been told to cut the act out" was "said in jest"

•presence of on list of 22 people banned from Britain

Sessions, Sen. Jefferson
•Specter is replaced by as ranking Republican on Judiciary Committee, prompting rehashing of decades-old rejection of as a federal judge by said committee because of racist reputation of

Specter, Sen. Arlen
•death of Jack Kemp is somehow blamed on Republicans by

•1986 vote against Sessions is claimed to be regretted by, though skepticism is the appropriate reaction to anything that comes out of the mouth of

•Norm Coleman's victory is rooted for by

•rooting of for Norm Coleman's victory is retracted by

•seniority of is stripped by new party of, because what's he gonna do, switch back?

Sutherland, Kiefer
•fashion designer's nose is butted by head of

van Gogh, Vincent
ear of may not have been cut off by

Wurtzelbacher, Samuel (Joe the Plumber)
departure from Republican party of

•friends of "that are actually homosexual" have been alerted by to stay away from the kids of