Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

  • Share
  • Read Later
Charles Rex Arbogast / AP

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich arrives at federal court for his arraignment on federal racketeering and fraud charges in Chicago
"glitch" is blamed by for de-listing of gay-themed books

Arizona State University
• acknowledgement by spokesman for that "we blew it" after fundraising dries up in reaction to refusal of to grant commencement speaker Obama an honorary degree

• Virginia caves are carpeted with a million carcasses of

Blagojevich, Rod
• not guilty plea of to 16 federal criminal counts is instantly followed by news of planned appearance by — assuming a judge says it's okay — on NBC Survivor-type reality show set in Costa Rican jungle

Burr, Sen. Richard
run on banks is encouraged by

Chambers, Marilyn
passing of

Coleman, Norm
• delusional insistence of that "the law is on our side" despite unanimous legal ruling against

Demjanjuk, John
• departure to Germany of is sadly delayed

Department of Homeland Security
• increased threat of "rightwing extremism" is noted by

Domino's Pizza
• efforts of to overcome nightmarish impact of YouTube video depicting the stomach-churning food preparation practices of two moronic employees at

Fidrych, Mark
passing of

Foxx, Jamie
• Miley Cyrus is urged by to "do some heroin ... get some crack in your pipe ... catch chlamydia"

Gibson, Mel
• wife of 28 years of files — for some unfathomable reason — for divorce

Hogan, Hulk
• abandonment by wife of for "some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior" prompts notable statement by ("I totally understand O.J. I get it")

Jackson, Michael
• opportunity to buy thousands of things nobody needs evaporates when auction of belongings of is called off

Kingzio, Jerome Kenneth
• sentencing of to three weeks in prison for serious breach of in-flight etiquette consisting of drunkenly arising from his seat behind a 66-year-old passenger who was watching the in-flight movie and urinating on her

Muse, Abdulwali
abrupt end to piracy exploits of

Obama, President Barack
• kids of finally get their dog

Palin, Gov. Sarah
• Alaska Legislature soundly rejects choice of for state attorney general
• denial by of calling for Sen. Mark Begich to resign so Ted Stevens could be re-elected after e-mailing "I absolutely agree" in response to Alaska Republican Party chairman's call for Begich to step down
• description of by former supporter of as "a clownish, vindictive amateur"

Paul, Rep. Ron
• unhappiness of at being fooled by Sacha Baron Cohen and finding self being interviewed by a suddenly disrobing "Bruno"

Perry, Gov. Rick
• right of Texas to secede is idiotically claimed by while "tea party"-hopping

Spector, Phil
• one can only imagine the thoughts going through the head of — "Oh my God, I'm not going to be able to terrorize women with guns for at least 18 years" — during the taking of the post-murder conviction mug shot of

Suleman, Nadya
• efforts of to trademark media-bestowed nickname of

double entendre aspect of continues to provoke hilarity

• frequently-jumped shark is wildly re-jumped on

United Airlines
obese passengers will be penalized by

acknowledgement of as torture by former deputy secretary of state Richard Armitage, who says he hopes he "would've had the courage to resign" if he'd "known about it at the time I was serving," but, hey, he didn't know
acknowledgement of as torture in Bush administration memos finally released by the Obama administration that also describe lots of other "enhanced interrogation" techniques that "critics liken to torture" — like, say, repeatedly slamming people against walls ("walling") — but, hey, that's still no reason to hold the officials who authorized these illegal tactics, you know, accountable?