Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

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Matthew Cavanaugh / EPA / Corbis

Former Vice President Dick Cheney

AIG Financial Products
• name of is changed to AIU Holdings, Ltd, as if that will in any way minimize public loathing of

Andy Richter Controls the Universe
• DVD of is finally available

Bachmann, Rep. Michele
• desire of for Minnesotans to be "armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back" is expressed by
• legislation is proposed by to retain the dollar as U.S. currency in the face of not even the most infinitesimal suggestion from anyone to replace it with anything else

folding of

Boehner, Rep. John
• "alternative budget" — devoid of any numbers beyond a gargantuan tax cut for, yes, the wealthy — is presented by

Bruce, Tammy
• Michelle Obama is called "trash" by

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
• annual average of 86,629 emergency room visits as a result of falls caused by pets or pet-related objects is reported by

Cheney, Dick
• fervent desire by House Republicans for the shutting up already of

• report about a Florida 15-year-old emitting a stinky fart on a school bus is considered news by

Crespo, Elvis
• response to claims by female seatmate of that in-flight masturbation was engaged in by en route to Miami from Houston — "I don't recall doing that" — is offered by

DeSantis, Jake
• self is distanced from AIG by

Frank, Rep. Barney
• Antonin Scalia is referred to as "that homophobe" by

Jindal, Gov. Bobby
• anti-volcano-monitoring stance of looks even stupider after repeated eruptions of Alaska's Mount Redoubt

profanity-drenched argument between two sports broadcasters is inadvertently broadcast by

Lauer, Matt
• bicycle of is flown off of by, resulting in separated shoulder of, after encounter of with unexpected deer

Letterman, David
wedding of is announced by

• unawareness of Texas state Rep. Gary Elkins — a duly elected official — as to, well, what it even is

Monserrate, Hiram
• indictment of on six domestic assault charges in connection with slashing by of girlfriend's face with broken glass

Moten, Donald
• accusations against that, during tenure of as Dallas high school principal, feuding students were sent by to settle things via bare-knuckle fistfights in steel cages, are denied by

Obama, President Barack
laughter of during 60 Minutes interview somehow manages to become a big news story
• opinion of that Geithner is doing a heck of a job
use of teleprompter at press conference by somehow manages to become a big news story

Onion, The
too-slow pace of everything is noted by

O'Reilly, Bill
• producer for is sent by to ambush blogger who dared to be critical of

Palin, Gov. Sarah
• continuing complaints about ethics of lead to incurring of more than $500,000 in legal bills by
• inability of to find someone on the McCain campaign worthy of sharing a prayer with

Pattinson, Robert
reeking of

• New York Times wants all of its blogs to avoid "any hint of"

Specter, Sen. Arlen
• labor vote is forfeited by

Steele, Michael
• possibility of presidential race by if approval of God is perceived by

Zucker, Jeff
bleak assessment — "I don't think we'll ever be able to say, 'NBC is Number One in prime time" — of future of network led by is offered by