Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

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Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden

Bachmann, Rep. Michele
• concern of that "we're running out of rich people in this country"

bin Laden, Osama
• terrorism of is blamed by Scientologist Dave Figueroa on diabolical psychiatrists

Boozman, Rep. John
• complaint of that stimulus bill is "not light reading, it's difficult reading, it involves policy and things" so "right now, because of those things, I will probably vote against it"

Burris, Sen. Roland
• possible — no, actually, probable — perjury by

Bush, George W.
• post-White House life of

Cheney, Dick
• refusal of Bush to pardon goofily nicknamed underling of evokes huge furiousness in
• refusal of to just shut up already annoys David Axelrod

Delonas, Sean
rapier wit of
• still more examples of rapier wit of

Dupre, Ashley
• efforts of to segue into polite society are hampered by public memory that fame of is based on hooker career of

Fisher, Amy
• intention of to defy notion that there are no second acts in American lives by embarking on career involving a stripping pole

Gibson, Mel
funny facial hair of

Gillibrand, Sen. Kirsten
guns previously kept under the bed for security by are moved to undisclosed location by because, according to the spokesman for, "the location of the guns has been disclosed"

Hassan, Muzzammil
• efforts of to counter stereotyping of Muslims suffers setback after alleged beheading of wife by

Herold, Sandra
inadvisability of keeping 200-pound chimp as house pet is vividly demonstrated to, though, astonishingly, given the horror of the scene, still not vividly enough to prompt statement from that things would have been done differently by if the opportunity was presented to

Hitchens, Christopher
• defacing of political poster in Beirut by reportedly leads to beating of

Holder, Eric
• U.S. is called "a nation of cowards" by for the aversion of its citizens to engage in meaningful conversations about something as huge as race

Hong Kong International Airport
• really quite spectacular tantrum is thrown at by woman who missed her flight to San Francisco

Hoover, J. Edgar
• obsession of with possible homosexuality of — well, everybody, really, but specifically, in this case, Jack Valenti

Jackson, Marlon
• strange idea of that building a slavery theme park in Nigeria will make people want to go there, since complex would also house Jackson Five memorabilia in case the appeal of the slavery theme proved insufficient

Jackson, Michael
• availability — for a price — of thousands of ridiculous possessions of

Knopf, Alfred A. Jr.
passing of

McCain, Sen. John
Sore-loserness of

Nakagawa, Shoichi
resignation from position as Japan's fiance minister by after apparent public drunkenness of

New York Post
• Rev. Al Sharpton is outraged by

• students at barricade selves inside cafeteria of

Obama, Barack
futility of Republican efforts to prevent victory by

The Onion
• behavioral trend is noted by

O'Reilly, Bill
• Helen Thomas is compared to "the Wicked Witch of the East" by
• suggestion by Whoopi Goldberg to that "if you're going to do a little humor, learn how to do it"

Palin, Bristol
• abstinence is deemed "not realistic at all" by

Palin, Gov. Sarah
• description of as "Dan Quayle with a ponytail"
• taxes not paid by on thousands of dollars in meal money fraudulently received by while living at home now — hah hah! — must be paid by

Patten, Alfie
• furor over fatherhood of, given 13-year-oldness of

Pelosi, Rep. Nancy
• investigations into Bush administration lawlessness are certainly not ruled out by

Rosenblat, Herman
• explanation of that debunked-by-Holocaust-scholars-as-physically-impossible story about apples tossed over concentration camp fence to by future wife of "wasn't a lie, it was my imagination"

Rourke, Mickey
• rumors of romance with Courtney Love are emphatically shot down by ("I'd rather be on a deserted island with a gorilla")

Simpsons, The
• excellent new title sequence for

Suleman, Nadya
• father of questions "mental situation" of
• hostile reaction of tens of thousands of total strangers to prompts grim assessment by newly resigned publicists for ("They want to rip her uterus out")

Trump, Donald
• bankruptcy of casino group of is — yawn! — declared yet again by

Walters, Barbara
• hilarious obtuseness of