Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

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Frazer Harrison / Getty

Kevin Bacon.

Bacon, Kevin
• victimization by Bernard Madoff of

Barkley, Charles
rarely heard excuse for running a stop sign is offered to police by

Blagojevich, Rod
•efforts of to demonstrate innocence of charges of trying to sell Senate seat by giving it to someone who clearly couldn't have afforded it
•Roland Burris accepts offer of to fill Obama Senate seat after first choice of said thanks but no thanks

Burris, Roland
ultimate residence of

Bush, George W.
•description of by aide to Colin Powell as "this Sarah Palin-like President, because, let's face it, that's what he was"
•eagerness on the part of three-fourths of the public for departure of
•fondness for reading of is attested to by porcine former aide to

Bush, Laura
disagreement of with widely held belief that husband of was a disastrous president

Cheney, Dick
•hatred of by vast numbers of citizens is a mystery to
•notion that past eight years have been run by is dismissed by Bush loyalists as "hooey" and "bunk"

Cialella, James Joseph
•charges related to shooting of fellow moviegoer in the arm by for making too much noise during Benjamin Button are filed against

Craig, Larry
• decline in tourist visits to men's room where arrest of took place

Cruise, Tom
shilling for Scientology will supposedly be curtailed by

Gonzales, Alberto
self-pity of — "What is it that I did that is so fundamentally wrong, that deserves this kind of response to my service?" — leads to writing of setting-the-record-straight book by

• humongous can of whoop ass is opened on by Israel

Iseman, Vicki
New York Times is sued for $27 million by for making readers think John McCain was slept with by

Kennedy, Caroline
• inability to stop saying "you know" of

Lyons, Ben
utter contempt of entirety of film community for

Madoff, Bernard
insanity defense is considered by lawyers for

mockery by Sacha Baron Cohen of adoption habits of

Mahoney, Tim
•investigation of in connection with the placing of the former mistress of on the congressional payroll by

Obama, Barack
Most-Admired list is topped by

Palin, Bristol
photos of first-born of fetch record prices for offspring of an until recently unknown single-mom high school dropout

Palin, Sarah
• yet another descendant of is given a ridiculous name
•yet another patently false statement — "Levi and Bristol are working their butts off to parent and going to school and working at the same time" (really, they're doing all that during the New Year's break?) — is insistently made by

Pardo, Bruce Jeffrey
•plans of to flee to Canada after massacring nine people are thwarted when inferno started by causes Santa suit to melt onto the body of

Romney, Mitt
wit of

Rosenblat, Herman
too-good-to-be-true Holocaust survivor story is fabricated by

Rush, Bobby
race card — in a country that just elected a black President — is incongruously played by

Saltsman, Chip
•efforts of to become Republican National Committee chairman include distribution of CD containing the song "Barack the Magic Negro"

Scarborough, Joe
•claim of Bush administration's blamelessness in current Israel-Hamas strife by elicits strong rebuttal — "You know, you have such a stunningly superficial knowledge of what went on that it's almost embarrassing to listen to you" — by co-host's father

Spears, Britney
• no one wants to live next door to

Stewart, Dave
luxury vibrator is marketed by

Times Square
• 40 tons of New Year's trash are left in

Trump, Donald
• unending pettiness of

Warren, Rick
Falwell's face is worn with a goatee by

Winehouse, Amy
squalid details of life of

• problems with leap year of