Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

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David Karp / AP

New York Giants' Plaxico Burress, right, arrives at Manhattan Supreme Court for arraignment with an unidentified man on Monday, Dec. 1, 2008, in New York.

Ailes, Roger
•Bill O'Reilly is loathed by

Burress, Plaxico
self is accidentally shot in already injured leg by when gun tucked into waistband of pants goes off

Bush, George W.
Gawker offers unsolicited advice to

Hooverness of

lack of preparedness of for war — "I didn't campaign and say, 'Please vote for me, I'll be able to handle an attack'" — is disingenuously acknowledged by

The Onion imagines bad things happening to

•response of to question about what he wished he could do over includes no mention of taking August 6, 2001, warning of imminent terrorism more seriously

responsibility for collapse of economy on watch of is awkwardly placed by on "decisions that were made...over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President"

•the seemingly obvious — "I don't feel joyful when somebody loses their life, nor do I feel joyful from somebody loses a job" — is clumsily stated by

•wish that Saddam actually had had weapons of mass destruction is expressed by

Bush, Jeb
•alleviation of impending national Bushlessness is contemplated by

Bush, Laura
•Christmas ornament celebrating congressional resolution to impeach husband of is deemed inappropriate for display on White House tree by

•cooking of is insulted to the face of by husband of

•more time in Crawford, Texas, is not about to be spent by

Chambliss, Saxby
•victory of in run-off election despite apparent groping of pubescent granddaughter's breast by in TV ad is weirdly spun by Republicans as not the predictable result it always was in Georgia, for God's sake — no matter how much the Democrats really, really wanted 60 Senate seats — but proof of the country's repudiation of Obama

Coleman, Gary
•unhappiness with being photographed at bowling alley is evidenced by

DeMint, Jim
•failure of new Capitol Visitor Center to make a big deal about religion — even though it's merely a tourist attraction and not a house of worship, so why should it? — is decried by

Havens, Timothy
•wife of is accidentally shot by during sex with

Lake, Ricki
•inability of to believe in previous obesity of

Martinez, Mel
•eagerness of to get the hell out of the Senate, like, yesterday, is barely concealed by

Fox-News-like qualities of are brutally observed

Murdoch, Rupert
•Bill O'Reilly is despised by

"brilliant" gay joke is told by

Murkowski, Lisa
•Palin is told by to forget about trying to win Senate seat of

Nixon, Richard M.
•antipathy of — "I'll never let those sons-of-bitches in the White House again. Never, never, never" — toward Ivy League school presidents is voiced by

•desire of to have Brookings Institution "cleaned out in a way that has somebody else take the blame" is voiced by

•enemies — "The press is the enemy. The establishment is the enemy. The professors are the enemy. Professors are the enemy. Write that on a blackboard one hundred times and never forget it" — are seen everywhere by

Obama, Barack
•previous criticism by of Hillary Clinton's foreign policy expertise is thrown back in face of

$30,000 ring for Michelle is not actually purchased by

Reid, Harry
•summertime stench of D.C. tourists' B.O. is noted by

Rendell, Ed
•foot of is yet again placed firmly in mouth of

Rice, Condoleezza
•piano is played for Queen of England by, prompting Wonkette to observe that "little schoolchildren all over the world now believe that you can grow up to be an accomplished concert pianist and an embarrassing failure at national defense, security, and diplomacy"

Richardson, Bill
•newly naked face of

Ros-Lehtinen, Ileana
•determination of not to "be punked" leads to hanging up twice on Obama by

Spears, Britney
•is described by attendees of birthday party for as "vacant" and "so out of it"
•frequency of people shaving their heads is noted by

Spitzer, Eliot
•new career as Slate columnist is embarked on by

Stein, Ben
•Roger Ebert's evisceration of

Wallace, Chris
•George W. Bush is defended by as just so much less bad than Nixon

fatal overeagerness of Black Friday shoppers at