Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

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Brooks Kraft / Corbis for TIME

President George W. Bush

•perceived "pro-Obama press coverage is decried by

•debate about center-rightness of

Biggs, Abraham
•excessive intake of drugs by leads to death of, live on the Internet

Bush, Barbara
•hospitalization of prompts newspaper reference to as years-long "sunny presence in American life" despite the difficulty of coming up with examples, or even one example, of storied sunniness

•hospitalization of prompts snarky Website to observe that she's 83 "and has not looked a day over it since 1980"

Bush, George W.
•invitation to Hanukkah party at the home of features the image of, not a menorah or dreidl, but rather a Clydesdale horse hauling a Christmas tree toward White House

•poisoner of three American bald eagles is pardoned by

•possible intake of alcoholic beverage by

•prediction is made by that perks like Air Force One and White House cooking will be missed by

•turkey is pardoned by with no subsequent scenes of turkey carnage

Chambliss, Saxby
unwanted questions to about ties to scandal-plagued sugar company lead to placement of hand over camera lens by

Coulter, Ann
•broken jaw of requires wiring shut of mouth of

Cutler, Jessica
engagement of to man whose initial encounter with "is sort of a blur" because "I was so wasted"

•U.S. government's seemingly inexhaustible supply of hundreds of billions of

Edwards, Mickey
•Congressional investigation of Bush administration lawlessness is urged by

George, Boy
•trial of for allegedly manacling a male escort to bedroom wall and beating him with a chain

Guns N' Roses
•17-years-in-the-making new album by is critiqued as "overwhelmed by countless layers of studio diddling and a tone of curdled self-pity"

Hilton, Paris
booing of by fellow Hollywood nightclub patrons

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
•disinclination of to acquire new books to publish is announced by

Majorski, Mario
•folly of approaching an armed guard at Scientology Celebrity Centre while wielding a samurai sword in each hand is learned the hardest possible way by

McCain, John
•continued unwillingness of to admit that choice of Palin by was, in effect, giving America the finger

McCartney, Paul
•eagerness of to sing "Michelle" to Mrs. Obama

National Review
hilarious subscription appeal by

Obama, Barack
•enthusiasm for phrase "hit the ground running" of

•enthusiasm for phrase "there is only one President at a time" of

•record for number of press conferences held by a President-elect is broken by with eight weeks to go

O'Donnell, Rosie
•hopes of for revival of variety show format are dashed by intense lack of audience interest in

Osservatore Romano
•John Lennon is at last forgiven by for 42-year-old observation about the popularity of his band relative to that of Jesus

Palin, Sarah
gratitude is expressed to by something called the Our Country Deserves Better PAC

•notion of as future Republican presidential nominee makes Governor Mark Sanford (R-SC) laugh

Simpson, Ashlee
•newborn son is named Bronx Mowgli by

Thompson, Fred
•abandonment of politics and re-embrace of "acting" (i.e. playing himself in front of a camera) is announced by

Updike, John
•lifetime achievement award for writing bad sex scenes is won by

Winehouse, Amy
•latest hospitalization of

sordid sex life of