Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

Biden, Joe
•is called "Joe the Biden" by McCain

Clinton, Bill
•stage is finally shared with Obama by

Cowart, Daniel and Paul Schlesselman
•plans of to "drive their vehicle as fast as they could toward Obama shooting at him from the windows" while wearing white tuxedos and top hats are thwarted

Dole, Elizabeth
•desperation of, as evidenced by grotesque ad attacking her opponent for being "godless"

Eagleburger, Lawrence
•Palin is pronounced unready to take over the presidency by

Edwards, Elizabeth
•wedding ringlessness of

Effigies
•of Obama hanging from noose

•of Obama with butcher knife through his neck

•of Palin hanging from noose

Hagan, Kay
•Dole is smacked upside the head by

Holtz-Eakin, Douglas
•McCain's health plan is called inferior to what currently exists by

Hunter, Duncan
•Obama's teeth are admired by

Kyl, Jon
•lack of confidence in McCain victory is expressed by

Lewis, Jerry
•cricket is called a "fag game" by

Lieberman, Joe
•the assurance that McCain "will live to 85 at least" is offered by

•sucking up to Obama is commenced by

McCain, John
•amusing song about

•another amusing song about

•four thousand kids from local schools are bussed in to make Ohio rally of seem more crowded

•George Shultz's name is forgotten, and then, finally, remembered by

newspaper endorsements
•map of

Obama, Barack
•endorsement of Anchorage Daily News is received by

•McCain's similarity to Bush is observed by

•unavoidability of ads for

The Onion
•something very funny appears on front page of

Palin, Sarah
•annoyance with Couric's questions is brought up yet again by

•fruit fly research — one of the foundations of genetics — is idiotically mocked as wasteful pork ("I kid you not!") in first policy speech by

•hockey player is injured after tripping on carpet laid down on ice for

•refusal of to call abortion clinic bombers terrorists

Plumber, Joe the
•career in country music is considered by

•McCain is surprised — "Joe's with us today. Joe, where are you? Where is Joe? Is Joe here with us today? Joe, I thought you were here today" — by absence of

•publicist is hired by

•a vote for Obama is called a vote for "the death of Israel" by

Republican Party
•imminent factionalization of

Schuller, Robert
•son is ousted from TV ministry of

Stevens, Ted
•refusal of to withdraw from Senate race after being found guilty of seven felony corruption charges

Todd, Ashley
•admission of that there was no attack by a black man and that backwards B was cut into cheek by self

Tucker
•propensity of insufferable people to bear the name is noted

Unnamed McCain aide(s)
•Palin is called a "diva" with no "relationships of trust with any of us, her family or anyone else" by

•Palin is called "a whack job" by

•Palin is described as "going rogue" by

West, Barbara
•Biden is asked, "How is Senator Obama not being a Marxist if he intends to spread the wealth around" by

•Biden responds incredulously — "Are you joking? Is this a joke?" — to