An Early 90s MTV VJ Gracelessly Transitions Into Life as a Delaware-Area Adult-Contemporary DJ

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Yo yo yo!

Word up, boy-eee! Was that a funky-fresh jam by my girl Celine D., or what? And she's looking foiyyyne lately. Man, do I wanna sex her up. Ay-ight!

We're taking requests for all your straight-up wicked-dope adult-contemporary songs. Jane from Wilmington, you're on "The Morning Glory Show."

Turn down your radio, Jane, I'm hearing some wiggidy-wack feedback. That's better, cool beans. Whassup, chica? Sure, "Lonely No More" always gives me the warm fuzzies, too.

In fact, we're giving away a couple of sweet tix for Rob Thomas's concert on Saturday to the 69th caller. You know, Johnny, I think it's really immature of us to choose the number 69.


Is that gonna be a kickin' RT concert or what? Hit the phones, 'cuz you'd be straight trippin' to pass this up. Ha, Johnny's wigging out in the booth — he wants the tickets all for his big, bad, mack-daddy self!

Martin from Elsmere requests Bo Bice's "The Real Thing." One problem, Martin: Homie don't play dat!

Actually, I wish I could play that, but we haven't bought the license for it yet. Sorry, Martin. I love you, man!

You guys know I'm not gay, right? Not that there's anything wrong with it.

We have an extreme eight-song block coming up, but first I want to rap to my young amigos out there about a heavy topic: safe sex. You may think it's boss to do the wild thang without a jimmy hat, but I think you'll find another opinion in this PSA by a certain fly actor known as Mr. Ian Ziering.

Damn skippy, Ian. Okay, we have our 69th caller and — whoa, yes, you're on the air, Pauline, stop buggin' out and take a chill pill. What's your fave radio station?

Come on, I'll give the first call-sign letter... K. No, I meant the first after the W. All right, it's WKQA, "The Woo-ka." Now you can't have the tickets anymore. Psyche! Yeah, you can keep them.

I'm on vacation next week, but I dusted off my Rolodex and made some calls for celebrity guest DJs. Monday through Thursday we'll have — y'all ready for this? — Becky from the first Real World, and on Friday a very special appearance by two of the original four members of Mr. Big. Let's just say they might do a live version of their monster acoustic ballad "To Be With You," and, ah, yeah, it might be totally awesome. Whoop, there it is!

It's noon, which means it's time for me to grab some munchage, but here's Ryan Cabrera with "Shine On"; listen for the early Right Said Fred influence. Hasta la vista, duderinos — I'm Audi 5000. Peace in the Middle East!

Teddy Wayne lives in New York City and St. Louis. He is working on a novel and a humor collection. Read more of his writing at the following websites:

McSweeney's Internet Tendency

Yankee Pot Roast