Pity the Potato

Rumor has it that All the President's Men is Bob Woodward's favorite film because he just can't get over the Redford resemblance. That must mean that Bill Clinton must be on his way to rent Three Days of the Condor (1975), with Redford as the G-man who has suddenly run out of friends. Goes the promo: "In the next twenty-four hours everyone he trusts will try to kill him." Or in Bill's case, tell on him, starting apparently with his loyal personal secretary, Betty Currie. On screen, Sydney Pollack directs a classic man-on-the-run thriller that has more conspiracy in two hours than the real Beltway's ever seen -- on either wing.

But these very leaky grand jury sessions have interrupted what has been running since last Tuesday as a stirring underdog's tale of struggle and survival. Support your president with Rocky III (1982). Surprised? Consider it: President Clinton stars as our hero, atop the boxing world, yet made vulnerable by hubris and carelessness. Along comes a peripheral danger in the form of Thunderlips (Hulk Hogan in "Rocky III"; Paula Jones in the remake.) To the still-powerful Rocky, though, Thunderlips is little threat. No, the real enemy is Clubber Lang (Kenneth Starr): hungry, determined, savage. He comes out swinging, armed with Monica Lewinsky and a flurry of subpoenas, and lays our hero low. Remember? Rocky's approval ratings plummeted, and the pundits all but wrote him off. But lo! Inspiration came with call to arms from his wife, Adrian (Hillary). Rocky summoned the Eye of the Tiger (State of the Union); rejuvenated, he mightily beats back Clubber in the rematch. His approval ratings cruise to new heights. Rocky has won a boxing (and box office) victory. Let's just hope the inevitable Monicagate sequels are easier to watch than "Rocky"s III-VI. Who was it that said there are only 20 stories in the world?

And one of them is forbidden love. The classic is Lolita (1962). Sans beret or kneepads, Stanley Kubrick's rendering of the Nabokov childe femme is eerie and absorbing albeit a tad spotty for this spud's taste. With music by Sinatra sidekick Nelson Riddle, and a screenplay penned by Nabokov himself, though, it's one to be checked off the to-see list. A remake, starring Jeremy Irons as Humbert, languishes in a vault somewhere because no one has the stomach to release it.

Truth is still stranger than fiction, dear readers, stranger even than Mr. T. But movies are shorter. So turn off the news and turn on the VCR, and remember: CP will subpoena the fool who doesn't rewind on Monday morning. Happy viewing.