Miss Get-Me-the-Hell-Out-of-Here

Straight guys don't watch beauty pageants. That's because pageants take a normal pastime--ranking women by how they look in bathing suits--and turn it into something boring, with dance numbers. Plus, all the contestants are teenagers who look like 40-year-old anchorwomen and talk a lot about Jesus. You don't have to deal with that by the pool at the Delano.

Though I could not imagine what good could come to our union from pitting one state against another, when the Miss USA pageant invited me to be a judge, my enormous ego would not let me turn it down. But before...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now

Subscribe
Subscribe

Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!