Miss Get-Me-the-Hell-Out-of-Here

Straight guys don't watch beauty pageants. That's because pageants take a normal pastime--ranking women by how they look in bathing suits--and turn it into something boring, with dance numbers. Plus, all the contestants are teenagers who look like 40-year-old anchorwomen and talk a lot about Jesus. You don't have to deal with that by the pool at the Delano.

Though I could not imagine what good could come to our union from pitting one state against another, when the Miss USA pageant invited me to be a judge, my enormous ego would not let me turn it down. But before...

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