Chores, Anyone?

I'm no Martha Stewart, but as a child I did learn how to sort laundry, and I mean the right way, with none of the slipshod mixing of the pinks and the reds that I see creeping into our culture these days. If called upon, I can also execute a crisp hospital corner on a top sheet. It used to be perfectly ordinary to learn these household skills from chore-savvy people like my mother, whose idea of recreation was to wash down the walls.

I am bringing this up because of a troubling conversation I had the other day with my own daughters.

Me: I'm afraid those dark socks will bleed on the shirts.

Eleven-year-old: Bleed?

Nine-year-old: A sock has veins?

Three-year-old: Can I see the blood?

This sort of exchange is becoming common in households as today's time-strapped and affluent parents increasingly hire help to do the chores they used to do themselves. Since both parents work at least part time in the majority of families, it's not surprising that nearly 20% of households hire help to clean, a percentage the Federal Government says is growing.

Speaking as one of those harried workers, I long ago vanquished any guilt about having other people scrub the floors, wash the clothes or chip the baked-on crud off casserole dishes. Like most of the 273 participants in a 1998 University of Maryland study that found mothers spend slightly more time now with their children than they did in 1965, I cut back on housework to protect time with my kids.

But speaking as a parent? My kids learn to do the things they see me do. So I worry about the consequences of raising a generation that may never learn through observation that the best way to remove dust from carved chair legs is with a Q-Tip. More than dreading a world in which it is considered O.K. to leave globs of toothpaste to dry in the sink, I fear the repercussions of never learning to be accountable for your own mess. Call me paranoid, but I started to fear that children who never feel the need to make their own bed would grow into adults who don't feel responsible for making their own happiness.

Luckily, at about the time I was getting myself really worked up, I phoned Nancy Folbre, an economist who studies how the use of time affects the well being of families. She reassured me. "Decide what forms of work are important to your identity, then do them with your children," she said. "But personally? I don't particularly care who cleans my toilets. I don't feel ennobled by that job." Of course, Folbre has done it enough to know it's hard, honest work you can be proud of doing well. Kids armed with a scrub brush will learn too. But for you, the ennobling work may be chores like baking with children or helping an ailing neighbor with yard work. Folbre had a special message for parents of daughters: Think twice before teaching them that housework is an essential part of their future. You want to avoid imposing a higher standard on girls than on boys, Folbre said, "because women already do the vast majority of the housework."

At least I think that's what she said. There was a lot of noise in the background because her husband was doing the dishes.

For more information, see the Website at Parenting.com . You can send e-mail to Michelle at mslat@well.com