Utah: Where U Come First

It was time I did my part for democracy. I knew it was time because I was stuck at the Republican Convention and people kept talking about doing stuff for democracy, and I'm a bit of a joiner. The problem is, I had no idea what to do. Then I heard American Samoa give the lamest preamble to casting its votes, listing the most generic virtues of its home whatever-you-call-that-nonstate-thing-they-are. I realized my country was calling me to punch up the 30 seconds when the states plug themselves. It seemed easier than voting.

I figured I'd help my home state of...

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