Thanks, I Must Be Going

The Webby Awards, the Oscars of the Internet, have found a solution to painfully long acceptance speeches. At the ceremony this Thursday night, winners must limit their thank-yous to five words. If only the Oscars would take the cue:

OSCAR VERSION Cher, Best Actress, 1988: “I’d like to thank everyone I worked with on the movie. They were really fabulous. It was really a great experience for me. My makeup man, who had a lot to work with. My hairdresser. My assistant…”

WEBBY VERSION This was all about me.

OSCAR VERSION Laurence Olivier, Honorary Oscar, 1979: “In the great wealth, the great firmament of your nation’s generosities, this particular choice may perhaps be found by future generations as a trifle eccentric, but the mere fact of it–the prodigal, pure human kindness of it–must be seen as a beautiful star in that firmament which shines upon me at this moment, dazzling me a little but filling me with warmth of the extraordinary elation, the euphoria that happens to so many of us at the first breath of the majestic glow of a new tomorrow.”

WEBBY VERSION I’m a whiz at Shakespeare.

OSCAR VERSION Sally Field, Best Actress, 1985: “I haven’t had an orthodox career, and I’ve wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn’t feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can’t deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!”

WEBBY VERSION I really need your approval.