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OCTOBER 2002 The Supreme Court rules 9 to 0 that William Ginsburg is not entitled to be paid for his "disastrous representation" of Monica. In a scathing opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia writes, "One only regrets that this man was not entrusted with the defense of O.J. Simpson." Ginsburg vows to appeal the ruling until it is pointed out to him that you cannot appeal a Supreme Court ruling.
APRIL 2003 Bedeviled by paparazzi who snap pictures of her eating frankfurters, bananas and cannoli, Monica declares that she is leaving the U.S. and is moving to Europe, "wherever that is."
APRIL 2003 Paris Match magazine publishes a photo of Monica eating a baguette sandwich.
MAY 2003 Pursued by photographers on motorcycles, Monica narrowly escapes death when the car she is driving careers off the Seine river embankment and crashes into a passing bateau-mouche full of tourists. Several of them are hospitalized for le choque (shock) and, represented by American attorney William Ginsburg, file suit against Monica for le steering lunatique. Their case is eventually dismissed by a French magistrate after Ginsburg misses an important court appearance because he was giving an interview to Radio Liechtenstein.
JUNE 2003 Monica leaves Paris for Winnipeg, Man., which has the lowest per capita paparazzo population on earth. One week later, however, an amateur photographer takes an unflattering picture of her eating a corn dog, and she flees on a snowmobile.
JULY 2003 Headline: MEDIA FRANTIC AS MONICA DISAPPEARS.
SEPTEMBER 2003 At a joint press conference, the editors of major U.S. media make an impassioned appeal to Monica to come out of hiding. They cite declining circulation and ratings, which appear to contradict the public's statement to pollsters that they are tired of hearing about her. In return, the editors promise not to run any more pictures of her eating and to limit to six the number of paparazzi and TV crews stalking her at any given time. But Monica remains in hiding.
FEBRUARY 2004 In a coup that will result in its first Pulitzer Prize, the National Enquirer breaks the story that Monica has undergone plastic surgery by the same doctor who successfully transformed New York City socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein into a cross between a human and a panther. The surgeon refuses to divulge what the new Monica looks like, other than to say that "she's a darn sight less scary-looking than Jocelyn."