The Rest Of Monica Lewinsky

A satirist looks into his crystal ball and foresees Lewinsky's future

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Monica Lewinsky began her White House internship in July 1995

APRIL 1999 Monica is invited to attend the glitzy White House correspondents dinner in Washington as guest of Vanity Fair magazine, prompting official harrumphing about how much more dignified the occasion used to be. Old-timers grumble that in the old days, they not only didn't invite presidential mistresses to the dinner, but they didn't even write about them, even when they were famous movie actresses and Mafia go-betweens. Clinton threatens not to attend the dinner but relents at the last minute, after Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter promises to keep Monica under the table for the duration of the dinner.

MAY 1999 Monica's book is postponed after she says she can no longer work with British ghostwriter Anthony Holden because "all he wanted to know about was the whole Clinton deal, and my life isn't just about that, O.K.?" Columnist Maureen Dowd of the New York Times is hired as a replacement. The final result, a 500-page indictment of Ken Starr in particular and men in general, is titled Dear Handsome, Dear Creep.

SEPTEMBER 1999 Monica tells Barbara Walters that she would "like to see Linda Tripp get hit by a truck, if they could find one big enough," and that she has lost 6 lbs. since giving up Ring Dings.

OCTOBER 1999 Former Monica attorney William Ginsburg, already mad because Monica is refusing to pay him for his legal services, sues Monica over her description of him in her book as "the worst lawyer in America" and a "bow-tied yo-yo."

NOVEMBER 1999 A cigar company in the Dominican Republic introduces the Monicacristo No. 1. The Davidoff cigar company sues on the ground that it was planning to bring out a similar cigar.

JANUARY 2000 Annoyed by paparazzi trying to photograph her while she eats a hot dog on a New York City sidewalk, Monica goes "ballistic," according to witnesses, and embeds the heel of her Manolo Blahnik shoe in the forehead of a photographer. Monica is charged with assault with an expensive weapon. Under Mayor Rudy Giuliani's new "zero tolerance" assault-shoe laws, she faces 25 years to life; but since she now has competent lawyers, the case is quietly settled out of court. "Can you imagine if Ginsburg were still representing her?" comments ABC's Jeff Toobin. "She'd be on death row."

MARCH 2000 Premiere of the movie Dear Handsome, Dear Creep on the Lifetime channel. Cast: Kate Winslet as Monica, John Larroquette as Clinton, Ellen DeGeneres as Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey as Betty Currie, Gerard Depardieu as Linda Tripp, Angela Lansbury as Lucianne Goldberg, Bob Balaban as Ken Starr and Jack Palance as Walt Whitman.

JUNE 2000 Monica signs a reported seven-figure contract to replace the Duchess of York as celebrity spokeswoman for Weight Watchers. At the press conference, she shows off her new size-8 figure, which she attributes to a liquid-protein diet, running from paparazzi and "crying a lot." She expresses the hope that Linda Tripp will "die in a horrible car crash."

MAY 2001 The Modern Library reissues Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass with an introduction by Monica titled "Thong of Myself." In it she describes how President Clinton would call her late at night and read her "the dirty parts." Through a spokesman, former President Clinton, now dean of law at Jesuit University, says it "depends on what you mean by Whitman."

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