Like Mother, Like Daughter

Women of my generation have to thank Britney Spears for at least one fashion coup: she has given the country amnesia about how we dressed as kids. Blinded by her bare midriff, we have apparently forgotten about our own fashion choices--the hot pants, micro-minis, platform shoes, crop tops, tank tops and hip huggers so tight we had to lie down to get them zipped.

Or am I the only girl who, when faced with the epic decision of what to wear to school during the spring of 1974, decided to go with the tube top? As I waited for the bus with my brother (Frank Zappa hair) and two older sisters (tank tops, hip huggers and short shorts), I don't remember worrying about what signals we were sending to society or if we would get into college or ever be taken seriously. All I knew is that we looked sooooo good!

Of all the battles a parent could think to pick with a teenage girl, fighting over what she wears should be way down the list. Teen girls are like total eclipses of the sun. If you look at them straight on, you'll go blind. Mothers need to see their girls through the filter of their own experience and try to remember their own instincts and attitudes as kids. It's pretty hard to look back at our adolescent longings and fashion disasters. It's even harder to let our daughters make similar mistakes--to be out in the world looking dumb and thinking they look sooooo good when they really don't. But there are times when mothers must look the other way and let their girls go.

That can be hard, especially with tiny Jennifer Lopez lookalikes who are too young to understand the uncomfortable, adult-size messages that their choices may convey. It is up to the adults in each girl's life to point her to a more age-appropriate look. Mothers can gently guide their young daughters' fashion choices starting when they are four or five by letting them dress themselves and praising their good choices. This is where girls start to learn about what clothing is appropriate for church, for school or for tea with Nana.

If your daughter wants to dress like Malibu Barbie or Li'l Kim and you don't like that, you should help her make a different choice. When an eight- or nine-year-old girl picks an outfit that is just too outrageous for public consumption, a parent should acknowledge her decision ("Boy, I can tell you think that's really great!") and help her find a compromise ("...but let's just get the skirt today because I'm not so sure that top is good for a kid your age"). A young adolescent should start to learn about the signals she sends through her appearance, but we parents should also affirm her growing desire to make decisions for herself, and know that with our help she'll get good at it.

Girls must be taught to respect themselves, respect others and respect the rules of the institutions to which they belong. School dress codes can help set outer boundaries, but expect an adventurous dresser to go right to the edge. Parents must know that girls can be respectful and smart and still leave the house showing more skin than we would like them to. That's why we need to show them by example--the way my mother showed me in 1974--that we care more about the content of their character than about the clothes in their closet.