Parents Who Give Too Much

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Moreover, the children themselves, left unschooled in the arts of delayed gratification and self-help, may be more hurt than helped by their parents' love. Betty Frain, a psychotherapist specializing in working with families and co-author of Becoming a Wise Parent for Your Grown Child, warns that "the downside for grown children [who are being funded] is that they don't develop internal coping skills, and so they feel weak and controlled and continue to be dependent." And often greedy and resentful rather than grateful. Jane Nelsen, a California-based therapist and author of Parents Who Love Too Much, observes that the overindulged "tend to want more and more and to think that what you are giving them is a not a gift or a privilege but their due."

Most experts agree that in the case of children who are responsible and hardworking, when they are starting out, it may be appropriate to help, such as giving or loaning some of the money needed to buy a car or co-op or condo, supplementing rent or insurance costs, alleviating the burden of very heavy college-debt payments or aiding them in an emergency. Many such young people, like Rachel Frank, 27 and struggling to make it in New York, quickly become independent if a time limit is set. Frank considers herself "extremely fortunate" because her father paid her rent--for just six months.

Parents should never try to duplicate the lifestyle their children enjoyed at home, however. "While children's expectations are that they should live in the same socioeconomic level that they did at home," explains Neale Godfrey, author of Money Doesn't Grow on Trees, "they need to know that they will be strapped in the real world." If they are living at home while getting started or paying off debt, they should pay some rent, if only to understand that they will have housing costs later.

The real problem, say experts, is chronic rescuing. Children who are continually bailed out never grow up. Cheryl Erwin, author of several Positive Discipline parenting books, says, "As parents, we need to be there to teach and guide, not to rescue and pamper. That is an ultimately unloving thing to do."

"The best way to help your children is not to help them," insists Nelsen's daughter Mary, 26. "Let them manage on their own because it helps them build character. And only then will the lesson stick!" Once a shopaholic, Mary ran up so much credit-card debt that she could not meet the payments. Moved by her distress, her mother paid the bill, hoping Mary had learned her lesson. Instead she did the same thing again. The second time, Mary, soon to graduate from university, paid the debt herself and learned very nicely how to manage money in the process.

How can you help yourself and your children break unhealthy patterns? Never cut your child off, blame or lecture. Be supportive, friendly and respectful. Listen and brainstorm. Tell your child that you are uneasy with the current arrangement and that you need to save all you can for retirement. Above all, ask what your child has tried or might try to do to remedy the situation. You might also suggest that your son or daughter keep a complete record of every cent spent in a month. That will certainly reveal some areas in which spending could be eliminated.

Many families are choosing to bring in a mediator with financial expertise, reasoning that it's often easier for a child to learn from an outsider than from a parent. Financial planner Randy Siller, regional CEO at Sagemark Consulting, has found that the amounts requested by grown children tend to increase every year. So Siller suggests that the parents set time limits and this way gradually wean their children from dependence. For example, parents might offer to help out with $10,000 one year, $5,000 the next, and that's it. When clients of average means ask Stephen Mintz, a financial planner in Monroe, La., whether they should give money to their children, he insists, "Don't give it to them! It would be better to save it and give them something when you die."

The message from the pros to the parents: Persistence will pay; the situation will improve--often in less than a year. Don't be discouraged if progress takes more time. The important thing is, you'll make it.