New Branches

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The emotions sometimes tap into a number of thorny issues. Some older parents resent their child's spouse, or they blame the other set of grandparents for pushing the couple to raise the grandkids in their religion. "As we age, we all confront issues we've never faced before," says James Davidson, a sociology professor at Purdue who studies trends among American Catholics. "For many, that leads to reclaiming the religion in which they were raised."

Although some are outspoken about their feelings, many are not. "Parents are afraid to be seen as meddling, so they don't ask questions or say how they feel," says Joel Crohn, a psychologist in San Rafael, Calif., and author of Mixed Matches (Fawcett Columbine). "And adult kids often assume they know what their parents are thinking, so they also avoid saying anything." Crohn counsels grandparents to take the lead in getting these concerns out. And they have to let their adult children know when they are uncomfortable, "as long as they add that they still love and respect their child's choice," adds Crohn.

Paulette Mann, 69, a Jewish grandmother in Maplewood, N.J., has always tried to show respect to her son and daughter-in-law who are raising their two sons Catholic. "When the grandkids were younger, I asked my daughter-in-law if I could send Hanukkah gifts, and she said no, it would be too confusing," says Mann. "So I took my cues from her." Several years later, when her grandson called to tell her that he was being confirmed in the Catholic Church, Mann recalls thinking, "I'd love to ignore this, but how can I diminish such a milestone in his life?" She sent a congratulatory card though she could not bring herself to buy one with a cross or a mention of Jesus.

Living 3,000 miles apart means that this grandmother and her grandsons don't have to deal with day-to-day, in-your-face religious differences. During a recent visit to the West Coast, however, Mann heard her 10year-old grandson ask, "Is Grandpa Catholic?" No, she explained, he's Jewish. "I'm Catholic, and I'm going to stay that way," the boy replied. Mann wasn't worried. "He was simply making a statement," she says. "It wasn't self-righteous or malicious, just a statement about who he is."

In the end, grandparenting experts agree on one thing: loving relationships trump religious beliefs. For Joan Hawxhurst, 40, founder of Dovetail Institute and a Methodist married to a Jew, her father's reaction to her raising Jewish children (even though she did not convert) was initially hurtful. He refused to support his granddaughter Sarah's Judaism for the first three years after she was born. Finally, that December, he softened and sent a Hanukkah-themed Tower of Treats from Harry and David. "He couldn't use words, so he did that instead," Hawxhurst says. He died two years later, and although they never discussed his earlier feelings, that small gesture made a world of difference. "I know in his heart he never fully accepted having grandkids of a different faith," she says, "but as a parent myself, I also understand that his actions were guided by love for me and my family."