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  • Q: For 30 years my family has been completely ignored by my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, who live together in Florida. My husband would call for Mother's Day and other special occasions, but the gesture was never reciprocated. About six months ago, my mother-in-law became ill. My sister-in-law, bankrupt after ruining her business but still living lavishly, started calling her brother to ask for money. After some soul searching, my husband has sent many thousands — for [his sister's] mortgage payments, [his mother's] private nursing services and general household expenses. Is there a way he can provide what's absolutely necessary for his mother without being bled dry? And how do I handle my resentment?
    --Angry In-Law, New York City

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    A: Your mother-in-law does not sound like a sympathetic character. But she's old and sick. So what's a daughter-in-law to do? Relationships with our parents are tough — and even more difficult when children just don't like their parents, a situation more common than many people admit. Your husband needs to respond in a way that makes him feel good about himself, as a person and a son. He's done the dutiful thing all these years, and you seem to respect his efforts, even though he has received little in return. But he shouldn't be taken advantage of.

    His sister's involvement muddies the waters even further — because they don't get along and she's controlling the information he receives. The good news is that he can fix the latter problem.

    For starters, if he hasn't done so already, he should fly down to Florida and see for himself what shape his mother is in, both medically and financially. If he finds what you seem to suspect — that his money is going to pay for luxuries these women cannot afford and build up his sister's equity — he should insist on other arrangements (selling the house, for example) and make any future contributions contingent on a strict accounting.

    He can also take other measures. Sometimes it's easiest and necessary to hire an independent local accountant to help oversee bill payment and money allocation. That advice comes from Diedre Wachbrit, a member of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Many accountants now have elder-care practices for situations just like this. Having a professional track your mother-in-law's expenses and pay her bills can help your husband avoid some ugly wrangling with his sister.

    Whatever he finds out in Florida, he still has choices, which range from refusing to help at all to shelling out whatever his sister demands. If he decides to keep helping, give him your support. Nothing can be done about the selfish and unfeeling way his mother has treated your family. But if it turns out she really is in need, denying a sick old lady a comfortable end is no way to express your resentment — even if she is a nasty piece of work.

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