Ask Francine

Monday, June 21, 2004
    • What is the best way to meet someone when you're older? I'm going through a divorce, and I fear the prospect of never having someone again. As a woman, I find it so discouraging. Help! --Marie, Livingston, N.J.

    When I was ready to start dating again — at 47, with my last date 25 years in the past — I turned to the Web to find a pool of men my own age who were actively looking for relationships.

    I won't lie to you: dating is tough for older women. Online, some men will tell you they want only a woman who is younger — or thinner or blonder or something. Don't take that personally; just move on. There are reasonable men in your age range. Most are divorced and sincerely interested in finding someone. Lots have emotional issues — anger, neediness and fear of intimacy among them. Who doesn't, really? But those can often be worked out. It may take three weeks or three months or a year to know whether a relationship will last. More won't than will, so don't get discouraged.

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    Here's some practical advice. Pick dating services that have the most men your age. Expand the geographic area and age range you're willing to consider — some younger men love older women. Have a friend help you write your profile and pick your picture. Beware: online descriptions are often inflated, and some men set arbitrary age limits that become irrelevant once you meet. Some women feel compelled to whack a few years off their age just to get past those filters — a practicality that can be dicey. My suggestion: go ahead, but be sure to let the man know as soon as you meet him — and let him know why.

    Online, keep correspondence to a few exchanges; months of feverish e-mailing can fizzle with a first look. If the missives look good, ask to call him. If the phone conversation goes well, meet him for coffee in a public place. Most of all, remember that Internet dating provides a way to meet people; it's not a screening device. If you've learned from experience, you're likely to find a good partner. If your radar is set to find someone to make you miserable, I guarantee you'll find him too.

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