Teens: A Primer

It took me nearly two decades to erase the memory of my alienated teenage years. It took my father two minutes and an e-mail message to remind me: "Missy: After you went to college, Mom and I found stacks of dirty dishes under the bed, left from when you took all meals in seclusion." Given the man's tendency to exaggerate (he is also the source of that "preferred pimply boyfriends" rumor), I categorically denied his charge that during high school I emerged "only to use the phone or cry."

Let's put aside, for now, the fact that someone will eventually have to answer for the decision to nickname a child Missy. The point is that after my father produced evidence--he had the foresight to date-stamp photos of china--I remembered other teen transgressions I hid from my parents: the 110-m.p.h. incident, the beer parties, the stolen container of takeout guacamole.

Although perhaps racy for someone called Missy, those sins sound tame compared with recent reports that nearly one-third of teens have sex by age 15, and that the second leading cause of death among 15- to 19-year-olds is being murdered with a gun.

I worry, not only because I soon will have a teenager of my own to contend with (and, frankly, I can't spare any dinner plates), but also because a new study suggests that today's parents are as clueless as my parents were about what teens really think and do.

After surveying 405 parents and 687 teenagers, the Liberty Mutual Group and the nonprofit Students Against Destructive Decisions came to the conclusion that many parents adopt an unrealistic "not my kid" attitude. They underestimate the frequency of such unsafe behavior as driving drunk because they overestimate their own ability to communicate with their kids; although 98% said they discussed sensitive issues with their kids, 24% of the teens said it never happened.

Why the reality gap? I phoned Andrew Wolvin, a University of Maryland researcher who studies how people listen. "We are so invested in our kids' lives that it's difficult to just be a sounding board when they want to talk," he says. "Everybody in America wants to run around dispensing advice. Instead, let your teenager articulate the problem and think of a solution."

That sort of calm, reasoned approach sounds lovely, but what about all the parents and teens so frazzled from running from work to home--or from homework to a job--that they barely see one another? "When my twins were teens, we had to go out to eat to be in a different setting where we weren't caught up in everyday household distractions," Wolvin says.

I raised an obvious question. "What if teens are not willing to be seen in public with their parents?" Given genetic predisposition, I expect my kids to develop a powerful aversion to any setting that smacks of a setup for a formal "talk." (I'm creeped out just imagining it, and I'm the parent.) Try informal chats to establish a connection, Wolvin suggests. Even the instant messages my daughter routinely sends ("hey mom how r u, school was good, g2g") can create a rapport that could prove useful during more, uh, delicate face-to-face conversations.

One final tip (trust me on this): Don't ever call a teenager Missy.

For more on what teens think, read the survey results at www.saddonline.com . Or send e-mail to Michelle at mslat@well.com