Should You Tattle?

Not long ago, a friend stopped by her house in the middle of the day and discovered her 15-year-old son smoking pot with several other teenagers. She was shocked and angry, but she was also en route to a doctor's appointment, so she ordered the kids out of the house and told her son she would speak to him later. With guidance from his mother and stepfather, the boy seems to be doing O.K. But what about his friends? Do their parents need to know what happened?

Some say, Of course: all parents want to be told if their kids are doing something wrong. Others say, Of course not: one parent's wrong might be another parent's "So what?" It's hard enough looking after your own kids without policing other people's. There's no right answer for every parent in a situation like this, so the best strategy may be to decide in advance what you will do if the problem comes up.

Since teenagers tend to act out in groups, it's best to network with other parents years before the kids are old enough to inhale. According to Kate Kelly, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Parenting a Teenager, those early chats about play dates and carpools give you a chance to make your preferences known. Ideally your teen will come to you if she gets into trouble at a friend's house, but if you want to hear from her friend's parents too, say so early, especially since maintaining parent-to-parent ties gets tougher in the teen years.

If you find that your home has been the scene of illicit activity, Kelly recommends confronting the kids and expressing your disappointment. Censure alone can go a long way. "Believe it or not," she says, "teens are eager to please." If you know the kids' parents are reasonable people, you might say something like "I'll leave it to you to tell them first, and I'll follow up tomorrow." But if you're not sure how parents will react, tread lightly. Lynn Lott, co-author of Positive Discipline for Teenagers, felt terrible after she caught her eighth-grader drinking with friends, but worse after she told their parents and then one of the kids got a beating. In iffy cases, it might be better to contact a child's teacher or guidance counselor.

If your teen accuses you of overreacting, point out that depending on your state's laws, you could be sued if a minor gets high or drunk in your home and hurts someone. This may be true even if you're away at the time, according to John Weichsel, a New Jersey attorney who has handled parental-liability cases. "You could be on the hook civilly and criminally," he says.

In the end, our friend who stumbled on the pot party didn't contact the other kids' parents, in part because she couldn't bear to be a tattletale, in part because she was under so much stress at the time and couldn't imagine taking on more. When the father of one of the smokers found out anyway, he was furious at being left in the dark.

You may not feel good about your decision, whatever you do. If there's any consolation, it's that these kinds of responsibilities don't last forever. Weichsel and his wife never went away when their kids were in high school. But now that the boys are safely out of the house, he says, laughing, "I have no idea what they're doing, which can sometimes be a very good thing."

For more advice on raising teens, try parentingadolescents.com . You can e-mail Eugenie at eugenie_allen@yahoo.com