Bridal Vows Revisited

Forever began for Kelly and Mike of Baton Rouge, La., a year ago, when they wed in a covenant marriage. But for New Yorkers Adam and Cindy (not their real names), forever won't come for 18 years after their wedding day last month--if then. That's the point at which their legally binding prenuptial agreement self-destructs.

These are just two modern variations on the old-fashioned notion of partners for life. They may be hard for the parents of the two couples and others of their generation to understand. When early boomers and those who came before them marched down the aisle, most assumed their marriage would last; that was the bargain. Whether that ultimately happened or not, today's parents of marriage-age young adults want to see their offspring married happily and long. Many say they are frustrated by how long it's taking their kids to "settle down"--or that they are puzzled by the forms modern partnerships are taking.

So let's put this in context: today's young adults, who grew up amid the debris of an older generation's failed relationships (between the mid-'60s and 1981, the divorce rate more than doubled), are wrestling with the very notion of forever in marriage and finding it unattainable or even suspect. Young couples have not trashed the idea of lifetime partners. Instead, they are creating their own models.

At one end of the spectrum are long-term cohabiting couples who don't want to marry at all. At the opposite end are couples in Louisiana and Arizona, the two states that offer covenant marriages, who have opted to back up their marriage vows with tougher, legally mandated divorce standards. In between are lovers at every point on the continuum, from those who live together briefly before marriage as a test of compatibility to those who wed only after long and searching courtships. Many of these are strategies to avoid divorce, says David Popenoe, professor of sociology and co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University.

Divorce, however, is not the only factor, says Philip Cowan, a director of the Council for Contemporary Families. "It's the prospect of many of the lifeless long-term marriages they grew up with," says the psychologist, who with his wife Carolyn Pape Cowan--both at the University of California, Berkeley--has followed more than 200 families for 10 to 20 years.

The good news is that most young men and women still hope for a lasting love. They're just struggling with the best way to get there. Here are some of the options:

COVENANT MARRIAGE: LOCK IN FOREVER, AND THROW AWAY THE KEY "With a covenant marriage, you eliminate the option of walking out from a mind-set point of view," explains Mike Johnson of Baton Rouge. Mike, a 27-year-old attorney, wed Kelly, a 26-year-old teacher, a year ago in a covenant pact. "We're saying, 'Let's not do marriage lite,'" says Mike. At which point Kelly interposes, "It's marriage heavy."

The couple are among the less than 4% of Louisiana's newlyweds who have opted for the state's two-year-old covenant marriage--an idea considered last year by 19 other states, all of which, except Arizona, voted it down. Louisiana's covenant union differs from the standard one by requiring premarital counseling and, for divorce (absent grievous fault), two years of living apart plus mandated marital counseling. "The desire was to make marriage more committed," says Louisiana State University law professor Katherine Spaht, who wrote the legislation.

Mike, a Methodist from a divorced family, and Kelly, a Southern Baptist from an intact family, each had had serious relationships--and painful breakups. Both wanted this supercommitment. "I know we live in a tough world," Kelly acknowledges, "but, hey, we're in this for the long haul." Their way of thinking is typical of covenant couples, says Steven Nock, a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia who's doing a five-year study comparing Louisiana covenant-marriage couples with the norm. Already, he has noted a divide in their thinking about time: noncovenant couples, he observes, are focused mostly on the present and what they're getting now. Covenant spouses are more apt to look to the future for their best times.

Even in their primarily Christian community, Mike and Kelly say that less than a quarter of their friends have done covenants. "Guys say to me," the young attorney notes sadly, "'Mike, I get it. I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment'--days before they walk down the aisle."

THE LONG, LONG COURTSHIP: GETTING A JUMP ON FOREVER Marcia and Russ Mangiapane, of Lavonia, Mich., both veterans of awful relationships, wanted to be as certain as possible that when they pledged "till death do us part," they had a fighting chance at success. The cosmetologist, 32, and sales executive, 35, dated for three years and were engaged for two more years. "We were skeptical because there's so much lack of faithfulness and trust and commitment," says Marcia. When they finally decided to wed, she says, "we did feel it would be forever. We had everything in common--skiing and Rollerblading and food and pets--and we're both very spiritual, though he's Italian and I'm Jewish."