Balancing Tact and Tactics

How do you ruin a perfectly good relationship with your parents? Ask them about, ahem, the will. It's a real conversation stopper.

Talking to parents about issues associated with aging is difficult, which is why so few of us do it at all. Almost two-thirds of parents and children have had no conversation about end-of-life issues, according to the American Association of Retired Persons. "When you put money, love and death together, it's like a triple whammy," says Olivia Mellan, a Washington psychotherapist. "Who wants to talk about that?"

Not talking, however, is the worst kind of estate planning, according to Charles Sabatino of the American Bar Association's commission on legal problems for the elderly. "No decision is a decision, usually for less appropriate, more expensive services and more agony for family members." If the parents haven't disclosed any information, "it is a nightmare to unwind the details of the estate," says Michael Davis, an Orlando, Fla., financial planner. "Then the onus is on the child, who not only has lost a parent but now also has this terrible burden"--one that is both financial (paying expenses out of pocket, which may not be reimbursed for months) and emotional (guessing what a parent wanted).

So how do you, as an adult child, talk to your parents about money, illness and death without appearing greedy or insensitive? Says Mellan: "The message should be, 'You need to tell me whether you're taken care of so I know whether I can relax.'"

Don't talk about money. Instead ask, What do you need? Jim Towey, president of Aging with Dignity in Tallahassee, Fla., encourages the direct approach: "Mom, Dad, I love you, and I want to be there when you need me, and I'd like to know what you want. I don't want to have to guess."

Use an article or book as an excuse to bring up the subject. Or use an event in your own or a parent's life as the springboard. Or point to an event in the life of a neighbor, relative or colleague. "Everyone knows a horror story of someone who felt guilty because they didn't know what to do," says Towey. "This becomes a good discussion tool, saying, 'I don't want to be like that family.'"

Perhaps the easiest opener is discussing your own estate planning, even asking your parents' advice and giving them a chance to talk about their experience. And a little humor always helps: "Mom, I'm thinking of joining a cult and want to leave it everything in my will. How do I go about it?"

Once you've broached the subject and your parents have not run out of the room, there are five questions to ask. Don't expect to cover everything at once; it will probably take several conversations. Remember: it's a process.

--Will they have enough money to live on? "Parents don't often want to share this with their kids," says Katie Sloan, a director at AARP, "but if they're going to live until they're 95 years old, you need to ask the question." Particularly if, like many elderly, they will need some kind of assisted care.

--Is there a durable power of attorney? This gives someone appointed by the parents access to their bank accounts to pay bills in case they become incapacitated.

--Is there a health-care proxy or living will to ensure that in the event of hospitalization, decisions have been made on the kind of care and life-prolonging procedures the parent prefers?

--Has a will been written or a trust established?

--Does someone know where to find all the important documents? These include personal papers such as birth and marriage certificates; insurance policies; lists of bank accounts and investments; and a letter of last instructions.

The discussion needs to remain civil, so don't blame or accuse. If your family leans toward the dysfunctional, a mediator might help--an elder-law attorney, financial planner or even a family therapist.

Don't be discouraged if your parents aren't receptive. "If at first you don't succeed at getting the conversation started, then try, try again," says Towey. "When parents realize their kids aren't giving up on them, they'll do it." Remember, in the end, it is their decision. If they firmly refuse, try to keep talking, but do some research so you will be prepared. If you aren't now, you can't be when it counts.