Are We There Yet?

I would like to report that my family travels well--that my three daughters do not bicker or pull hair or invent songs in which a sibling's name rhymes with smell-ah. And that our station wagon never veers from lane to lane as my husband peers over his shoulder to see whether the girls are cannibalizing one another in the back seat. But I would be lying. As summer approaches, I wonder whether we will survive another vacation.

For years, I have suspected that others among the 88 million families who take annual vacations know magical ways to transform an unruly brood into a modern version of the Von Trapps, the tune-whistling family that managed in The Sound of Music to cross Central Europe on foot, without whining over whose turn it was to help the baby over the Alps. Then, a few weeks ago, psychologists at a meeting of the American Psychosomatic Society reported some research I find disturbing: vacations are good for your health, and measurably decrease a man's risk of dying young of heart disease. If so, why does my husband's blood pressure rise if he so much as looks at our daughter's Rugrats suitcase?

As I closely inspected the data--an activity he accused me of undertaking solely to avoid planning our August itinerary--I started to wonder whether any of the 12,338 vacationers who were surveyed actually traveled with children. "It's funny you should ask," said Brooks Gump, a psychologist at the State University of New York in Oswego who reported the findings. "We have no information on that, but a lot of people have talked to me about the stress involved in vacationing with children."

Gump, like many other parents, sticks to "places with lots of kids' activities." The top family destinations are theme parks, beaches and historic sites. That sounded awful. Whatever happened, I wondered, to that kids' activity of my youth: playing quietly while your mother enjoys a gin and tonic on the hotel porch before dinner?

I sought a second opinion from Chris Komisarjevsky, who claims to enjoy traveling with his six children, ages 6 to 12. A stint as a helicopter pilot in Vietnam prepared him for this challenge: "You learn to keep your cool." But Komisarjevsky, co-author with his wife Reina of Peanut Butter and Jelly Management (Amacom; $17), agreed with Gump. Says Chris: "Remember it's a vacation for the kids. That's different from a vacation for adults without children--which, of course, you should also take." That I knew already.

Before a trip, hold a family meeting to hear what each kid wants from the vacation and to tell them what's expected. Try to include at least one activity that's special to each kid, but make clear that they're expected to make the best of whatever the family is doing. "The most difficult moments will be when kids have idle time but can't behave like kids," Komisarjevsky said. "Plan for that." If you travel by car, for instance, identify fishing or swimming spots along the route to give kids a break. On planes, let older kids sit separately from parents and siblings if they prefer.

I wrote down everything that Komisarjevsky said. And my husband looks healthier already.

You can e-mail Michelle at mslat@well.com