Taking A Team Approach

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Here are some tips on how to care for an ailing loved one as a family:

FIND A MEDIATOR A neutral third party such as a social worker usually initiates a meeting or a conference call to discuss what each family member can contribute. One family member can handle research and paperwork, another the doctor's visits and a third the shopping and driving. Then the social worker can periodically follow up to see how things are progressing and tweak the system when needed. A mediator can help families find outside help for housework, errand running and home-based medical care. The National Eldercare Locator will assist families that are looking for local resources and answer questions regarding elder care. You can call 800-677-1116 Monday through Friday, or visit www.eldercare.gov . The National Alliance for Caregiving offers tips and resources for families at www.caregiving.org .

USE TECHNOLOGY E-mail and conference calling are great ways for siblings to keep in regular contact for updates about a loved one's condition and changing needs. Siblings who might have problems communicating face-to-face owing to distance or personality conflicts can share information such as nursing-home reports or updates on doctor's visits. Some geriatric-care managers maintain separate Web pages for their clients, sending out regular email with updates, so that everyone is literally on the same page.

BE CREATIVE Some families share duties by assigning a "sibling of the month." That sibling takes the lead for managing care, doctor's visits and medical emergencies during those weeks. Siblings might even rotate living in the parent's home on a week-to-week or month-to-month basis to provide live-in care.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF Community resources such as church groups, senior services, neighbors and friends can give you a respite from caregiving. Support groups can provide encouragement. It's important to maintain your interests as much as possible, whether you enjoy a weekly golf game, a movie night or a book club.

BE FORGIVING Even if a sibling refuses to participate in the care of a parent, you should keep in touch with him or her and find some way to accept the situation. "Not everyone can handle this or will handle it, and you can't force them," observes author McLeod. "That may mean accepting your sibling's limitations and moving forward to do the best you can do. It's healthy to forgive someone, and it's also what the loved one you're caring for would want you to do."