Good Buddy, Bad Mom

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Often a plain old heart-to-heart talk can help; after all, this is your friend. You can start off by confessing that you're having a problem. "You can speak to differences tactfully by making it clear that you're aware this is your issue, not your friend's," says Lerner. "If it's appropriate, make a self-deprecating joke out of it." That kind of direct action helped Dianne, a mother in Atlanta, when she found herself growing uneasy with the effect her best friend's child rearing was having on her own daughter. Dianne had always emphasized social responsibility over materialism with Lauren, 8, but Dianne's best friend encouraged her same-age daughter to show off her new Barbies and rave about trips to Disney World. The conspicuous consumption rankled even more after Dianne divorced and money became tight. At the same time, however, she relied on her friend for moral support, as well as child-care help. After a bout of internal wrestling, Dianne confronted her friend. "I told my friend that I would never want to offend her, but that given our situation, it was hurtful for me to say to my daughter, 'Her mommy and daddy have the money; we don't,'" says Dianne. The conversation not only saved the relationship but also gave both women deeper insight into each other. "She was so apologetic, I don't think she knew how that behavior made us feel," says Dianne. "She told me that because it had been so hard for her to have that little girl, she wanted to give her everything." The friend was able to help her daughter refrain from bragging, and Dianne was able to show her friend empathy.

Mustering up compassion for fellow moms is often the key to mending rifts over child-rearing differences, according to Ariel Gore, editor of the 'zine Hip Mama. When she was a new, 19-year-old mother with a punk-rock hairdo and what some considered a lenient child-rearing style (it was O.K. for her daughter Maya, now 12, to make a mess at restaurants), Gore faced so much disapproval from other parents that she vowed to keep her parenting opinions to herself. "Some parent-kid behaviors can be hard to watch, but it's tragic that mothers are so unsupportive of each other," she says. "What I really wanted to hear was, 'You seem stressed out let's go out for coffee.'" Or for a night on the town without the kids.