The Kids Are Alright

(2 of 3)

The kids have taken note of this disregard, and if there's a lesson for parents in the Nickelodeon/TIME poll, it's tune in to your kids and show them some respect. While the majority of parents in the study claim to have great respect for kids, only 31% of kids feel that adults actually do respect them "a lot." This "respect gap" is even more glaring among kids in the 12- to 14 age group: 27% said they get little respect from adults or none at all.

"It's true that most adults think they don't have much to learn from children and don't really value their opinions, except on topics like, say, ice cream," says David Elkind, professor of child development at Tufts University and author of The Hurried Child (1981). "Kids do have interesting ideas, if you're willing to listen. And I think sometimes adults are not civil enough with kids, saying please, thank you, apologizing for breaking promises."

Sensitive young teens emerge as a particularly interesting group in the poll. The middle school years are perilous. While only 14% of the 9- to 11-year-olds said they had ever tried alcohol, the figure rose to 42% among 12- to 14-year-olds. Drug use rose from zero to 11%; smoking from 11% to 44%.

Peer pressure rears its head in other ways as well. What does it take to "fit in" at school? Kids ages 9 to 11 say it's being a good friend, being good at sports and being funny or popular. But kids in the 12- to 14 group have different criteria: clothes come first, then "being popular" and third, good looks. "This is a little bit sad," observes Wolf, "but it also shows parents what they're up against if they're trying to draw the line on certain clothes." The emphasis on having the right stuff to wear may also help explain why low-income kids in the poll worry the most about fitting in.

The early teens are the years when parents fall off the pedestal. While 57% of 9- to 11-year-olds say they want to be like their parents, only 26% of 12- to 14-year-olds do. "This is the 100% normal, virtually inevitable moment when kids develop an allergy to their parents," says Wolf. "They don't want to breathe the same way their parents do."

Despite all this, 60% of kids ages 12 to 14 say, as most younger kids do, that they would like to spend more time with their parents. The problem, of course, is finding that time, which is at a premium in the increasing number of two-earner households and those headed by single parents. A clear reflection of how families have changed: 41% of the kids sampled said they spend an equal amount of time with both parents. "This is one of our most significant cultural changes," says Dr. Leon Hoffman, who co-directs the Parent Child Center at the New York Psychoanalytic Society. In practice for 30 years, Hoffman has found a "very dramatic difference in the involvement of the father--in everything from caretaking to general decision making around kids' lives." Alas, this change has been slower to reach black children: 76% of black kids surveyed said they spend more time with their mom than their dad.

There are other signs of change. The most worrisome: 1 in 6 kids ages 12 to 14 claims to have seen a gun at school. Other studies have also shown that American kids have easy access to guns. That kids in the survey feel safe at school may be because school shootings remain rare. The study did find, however, that black and Hispanic children are a lot more worried than whites about being crime victims.

On the upside, tolerance for diversity seems to be gathering strength. Most kids support the notion that girls and boys can play on the same sports teams. Nine out of 10 say they have friends of a different race. Four out of 10 say that it's not very important, or not important at all, that a future spouse should be someone of the same race. Most expect to see a black President and a woman President in their lifetime.

As an institution, however, the presidency appears to have suffered: 62% of kids ages 9 to 14 say they do not want to grow up to be President. "It's too much pressure, and everyone is watching you," explained a seventh-grade girl. "I don't want to turn out like Bill and Monica," said an 11-year-old. In fact, 67% of 9- to 14-year-olds said they'd rather be Bill Gates than Bill Clinton.

But mostly, and most reassuringly, kids just want to be kids. What's so great about it? Parents in the poll said the boon for kids today is technology and computers. They just don't get it. The best things about being a kid, say those who really know, are playing, hanging with friends and having fun. Well, duh!