Single Moms Unite

In Deerfield Beach, Fla., there are two little boys who assume they are brothers. Stephen Montgomery is 3 years old, and Ryan Westergren is almost 3. From the minute they wake up, they are playing, tussling and tag teaming their way through the day. "They call each other brother," says Stephen's mom Heather. "We had to explain to them, 'You're not brothers. You're buddies.'"

The bond between the boys was conceived on the Internet last November, when their moms, Heather Montgomery and Kerrie Westergren, visited a new website devoted to matching up single mothers to share homes. Co-abode invites single moms to share expenses, child rearing and their lives, and 1,500 of them have already posted their profiles on the site, looking for housemates. Other single-parenting websites also help parents network and build extended "families." It's all reminiscent of Kate & Allie, the 1980s sitcom about two single moms combining households. Only now Kate and Allie are more likely to have met online.

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"A lot of single moms are stuck home at night, and they're finding a community online," says Patrice Karst, a single mother who has shared homes with other moms and is the author of The Single Mother's Survival Guide. "All through history, women took care of children together. As a culture, we need to stop worshiping privacy and realize we're tribal by nature."

There are more than 8.8 million single mothers in the U.S., up 26% since 1990, and 2.6 million single fathers, a 62% increase. The U.S. Census Bureau does not track single-parent home sharing, but parenting groups and housing specialists point to a surge in communal living. The tight economy is a key reason. But there's also a sense that parents are rethinking what constitutes a thriving family.

"There's been a stigma that if you're a single mom and you're not living by yourself with your kids, then you're not independent," says Russell Mawby, a housing facilitator for the city of Saskatoon, Sask., whose job includes helping low-income residents find home-sharing opportunities. By sharing baby-sitting expenses, cooking duties and more, "you're at a huge advantage," he says. "That's how you get your independence, by having a support system."

Kim Sever, 31, was raised by a single mother, and her grandparents were nearby for help. But now Sever is a single mom herself, and she doesn't have a support system. Her mother works full time and is often unavailable to lend a hand with Sever's son Casey, 7. "I knew I had to create a network for myself," Sever says. So in August 2000 she bought a two-family home in Highland Park, N.J., and searched for another single mom to live in the upstairs unit. At a local grocery store, she saw a house-hunting notice posted by Karen Van Blarcum, 35, who also has a 7-year-old son, Morgan. The match was made.

Van Blarcum says people tell her that her son will someday resent not growing up in a nuclear family, but she values their current living arrangement. All day, the boys dash between floors, playing and eating together in whichever kitchen offers the best meal. Both mothers provide discipline, direction and love.

Like many moms who cruise the Internet for housemates, Natalie Johnson, 41, proceeded carefully. She and her son Davis, 12, were living in a condo, but she could not handle the expenses. Last fall a friend suggested Co-abode, which charges $29.95 for six months of unlimited e-mail contact with other single mothers. Johnson, a poetry teacher, met with five mothers and their kids. She felt the strongest bond with Audrey Ellis, 38, a screenwriter with two daughters, 6 and 8. Before deciding to live together in a Los Angeles town house Johnson had rented, they spent hours discussing Co-abode's questionnaire, which solicited their views on ex-spouses, God, drugs, nutrition, parenting philosophies, boyfriend sleepovers and dishes in the sink. They agreed to alternate weeks for cooking and shopping, to be discreet about boyfriends, to come to a consensus on setting boundaries for the kids and to splurge for a housekeeper once a week.

Though the kids liked each other at first, the honeymoon was soon over, says Johnson. "My son started torturing the girls, and they annoyed him beyond belief." Concerned about the friction, Ellis' ex-husband, who has joint custody of his daughters, flew in from Oregon to reassure himself that the living arrangement was O.K. The kids rallied and got along while he was there. The ex thought Johnson's organic cooking was great for his daughters, and he returned to Oregon satisfied.

The kids have now settled into sibling mode, and the moms are close. "I try harder for Audrey than I ever tried for any guy," says Johnson, explaining that she talks to Ellis more respectfully and is more apt to compromise. And, she adds, they no longer feel like damsels in distress, waiting to be rescued by men: "Our lives are really good. A year and a half ago, I felt desperate to form a new family. Now any man who comes into my life will have to be a really great addition."