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Why, in defiance of the Internet, I will ignore your thoughts about this column

Illustration by Tomasz Walenta for TIME

I love reading comments at the bottom of my articles. That's because I love reading anything about me. An online comment board is like a new, signed high school yearbook that comes out every week, only now some of the people who like me are female. When I first read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and got to the part where Tom overhears people eulogizing him at his fake funeral, I knew I had to devote all my energy to making that happen for me. It turned out that all I had to do was wait for the Internet.

Then I...

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