Would I Get Arrested If ...?

What I learned from a day spent drinking coffee with cops

Illustration by Tomasz Walenta for TIME; Cup and hat: Getty Images; Coffee sleeve: Corbis

I've done a poor job of assembling my group of friends. I hang out with about 30 journalists, 15 comedy writers and a few lawyers. It's as if the only lesson I took away from all those heist movies and A-Team episodes was that when times are dire and the authorities won't help, you need buddies to make libel-free parodies.

But last year, I made a cop friend. I would like to say we met as he yanked me off a terrorist I was beating too severely after catching him torturing a basket of puppies and saying mean things about Princess...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now

Subscribe
Subscribe

Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!