Would I Get Arrested If ...?

What I learned from a day spent drinking coffee with cops

Illustration by Tomasz Walenta for TIME; Cup and hat: Getty Images; Coffee sleeve: Corbis

I've done a poor job of assembling my group of friends. I hang out with about 30 journalists, 15 comedy writers and a few lawyers. It's as if the only lesson I took away from all those heist movies and A-Team episodes was that when times are dire and the authorities won't help, you need buddies to make libel-free parodies.

But last year, I made a cop friend. I would like to say we met as he yanked me off a terrorist I was beating too severely after catching him torturing a basket of puppies and saying mean things about Princess...

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