The Paper Chase

Asking for tax returns is amateur. Mitt, cough up your kindergarten records!

Illustration by Tomasz Walenta for TIME; Corbis (5)

The media's show-me-your-papers circus--demanding Obama's birth certificate and Romney's tax returns--disgusted me, since all these journalists were so clearly just pandering for attention. Attention I was missing out on. I clearly needed to launch my own demand for papers. I would write about it in my column, yell about it on cable news shows and chant about it at rallies. I'd then parlay my fame into hosting my own talk show. I would choose which presidential candidate to target on the basis of whether MSNBC or Fox News had a time slot in ratings trouble.

Shockingly, there are still a lot...

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