All He Can Eat

I hate all-inclusive resorts. Unfortunately, my 3-year-old son adores them

Illustration by Tomasz Walenta for TIME; Corbis Images (3)

I hate all-inclusive resorts. Unfortunately, my 3-year-old son adores them.

There are things no one can tell you about having children. No one can tell you that they'll respond to all the newness with more thrill than fear or that they'll be more physically affectionate than a Thai hooker. And no one thinks to tell you that they'll have horrible taste in vacations.

I totally get that my 3-year-old has limitations: he can't bike across the Alps; he can't taste wines at chteaus in Bordeaux; he can't sleep with hookers on a sex tour of Thailand. But that doesn't excuse his choice of hotels. Now I've never been a connoisseur of...

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