My Mitt Moment

In which I apologize for being a sexually immature jerk (in high school)

By Joel Stein Monday, May 28, 2012
    • Illustration by Tomasz Walenta for TIME

    My Mitt Moment. In which I apologize for being a sexually immature jerk (in high school).

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    Like Romney, I want to say that if these allegations are in fact true--which is likely, since the allegations are coming from me--I want to apologize. So as difficult as it was to do, I decided to apologize to one of the girls I attacked. And just like the kind of guy who grabs girls and runs away, I apologized over e-mail instead of calling.

    I was hoping she'd tell me she'd forgotten the incident or that it wasn't as bad as I remembered. Instead, within an hour, Jessi Pagach wrote me back: "Reflecting on this now brings the painful memories rushing back. It pissed me off. You ran away. I thought you were an a------ for the action and then a p---- for running." She said it prepared her for a "world where countless times in my future I would be 'tweaked,' 'pinched,' 'groped' and treated 'rapey' without solicitation or reason by other creepy men I would encounter throughout my life." She also updated me on her life, wrote "best to you" and used a smiley-face emoticon.

    Jessi also talked about how--while she will kick me in the testicles next time we meet (she believes that action is called a "tat")--she was slightly empowered by my horrifying behavior, since her attractiveness had caused me to act so inappropriately. Being a teenager is a confusing time. Which does not in the least excuse my behavior but does excuse the fact that this happened backstage at a talent show I was hosting while wearing a cummerbund and bow tie that I tie-dyed myself.

    I wish I could go back in time and change the way creepy young me behaved. Also, I'd like to pin me down and cut off that mullet. It might have fixed the root of the sexual frustration that caused all that trouble in the first place.

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