I Had a Gay Old Time

Why I'll never spend the night in a straight hotel again

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Photo-Illustration by Tomasz Walenta for TIME; Door Sign: Mustafa Deliormanli—Vetta/Getty Images

I Had a Gay Old Time. Why I'll never spend the night in a straight hotel again.

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It wasn't until the next morning that I realized there were some things I couldn't handle about my new gay life. Like how often I was seeing myself naked. The wall of the shower was a mirror. The wall above the sink was a mirror. The wall behind the bed was a mirror. I was starting to understand why so few gay men are fat. It was also the only hotel room I've ever been in without a closet, which seemed a pretty big sacrifice just to make a metaphoric point.

But as I headed to the gym to work through some difficult questions about my fake sexuality, I saw a guy there with his girlfriend. When I walked into the lobby, the only people I saw were a straight Russian couple and a straight Korean couple--two of the most aggressively straight nationalities. A French or Spanish couple I could have handled, but these people were killing my fake-gay buzz. In fact, most of the people I saw at the Out NYC were straight foreign couples. That night as I was coming home from late-night karaoke, I saw a drag queen smoking a cigarette outside the hotel's club, and it just seemed like the place was trying too hard. I went straight to my room.

When I asked Reisner what the deal was with all the lame straight people, he told me he was pretty shocked too: "I knew the gays would jump on it right away. I didn't think the straights would." In fact, the hotel's club is hosting both a straight wedding and a straight bar mitzvah. The problem is that being gay has become so acceptable that tourists think the gay theme is just fun New York culture. I guess I'm going to have to go to the Sound of Music sing-along. If that place is full of straights, I'm going to be furious.

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