Alarm Will Sound

My foray into the brave new world of high-tech home surveillance

Illustration by Tomasz Walenta for TIME

I have never owned anything worth stealing. When I was in college, my car was so full of useless crap that I spent two weeks wondering why I'd put an unfolded metal hanger on my passenger seat before I realized someone had used it to unlock my door and swipe my broken radar detector and Bruce Hornsby CDs. My lovely wife Cassandra, however, has lots of stuff worth stealing. Though I suspect that very few thieves are 5 ft. 10 in., size-6 women with boho-chic taste. I'd say we are safe until hard times fall on Sienna Miller.

Nevertheless, Cassandra has...

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