Hail to the Candidate

Anyone can run for President. Only one will have the right theme song

Illustration by Tomasz Walenta for TIME; Hagar: Tim Mosenfelder—Getty Images

I don't know much about politics, but I can tell when the system is broken. For decades, presidential candidates have chosen horrible campaign songs. An aide to Hillary Clinton played Billy Joel's "Captain Jack," which is about drug use. Michele Bachmann blasted Tom Petty's "American Girl" at rallies until Petty sent her a humiliating cease-and-desist letter much like the one he sent to George W. Bush in 2000. Campaigns are the only places left in the world without DJs.

I volunteered my services to the candidates and, after much consideration, chose Gary Johnson, since he is such a long shot in...

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