My Oscar Thank You Speech (for Sound Mixing)

One lucky Oscar-nominated sound mixer may deliver the greatest acceptance speech ever

Illustration by John Ueland for TIME

As a professional writer, a crucial part of my job is analyzing other people's writing in order to make fun of it and feel superior. And by far the worst writing inflicted on the largest audience each year is the Academy Award acceptance speech. So on behalf of Oscar viewers everywhere, I offered my punch-up services for free to several of the nominees this time. All of them turned me down. Their main concern seemed to be revealing their speeches in advance to a journalist. They must be aware of the making-fun part of our job.

But Anna Behlmer, a nominee...

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