Slow Times At My 20th High School Reunion

I'm the most famous guy at my high school reunion. That plus $122 gets me a Coors Light

John Ueland for TIME

For years, I had a plan for my 20th high school reunion: I was going to hire a giant-breasted hooker with lots of makeup and tell everyone she was my wife. Unfortunately, my actual wife Cassandra totally didn't get why it was funny for her to stay with my mom in New Jersey while I went out with a hooker. She wasn't even willing to dress like a hooker, though she did tell me not to wear a blazer because it would look as if I was trying too hard to impress my classmates. I thought I had already covered that...

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