Joel Stein: If I Ran the Death Panels

If there are going to be death panels, you're really going to want me on yours. Me and Paula Abdul

Photo-Illustration by John Ueland for TIME; Abdul: Jason Merritt / Getty

I have never determined whether anyone would live or die, which I consider a gaping hole in my résumé. So when I heard a rumor that the government was creating a death panel to determine which sick people get to receive medical care, I knew I had to be on it.

I am not an obvious choice for any panel that doesn't involve amateur performers and a large gong. But you need me on your death panel precisely because, unlike politicians and doctors, I can admit that we already have death panels; they just prefer to go by the name insurance...

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