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SHOCKING

JONAS BROTHERS win T-Mobile Breakthrough Artist prize at American Music Awards. Josh Groban considered for Velveeta Lifetime Achievement Award

JOE THE PLUMBER lands book deal

Chinese Democracy finally hits stores, fulfilling the end-times prophecy "A long dormant Rose shall reach full bloom"

GWEN STEFANI to re-form No Doubt for 2009 tour. Bandmates get measured for Harajuku skirts

Vatican forgives JOHN LENNON for saying the Beatles were more popular than Jesus

French director to remake Hellraiser

SARAH PALIN wears Burberry scarf to turkey execution

PREDICTABLE

IVANKA TRUMP to pen motivational book. Lesson No. 1: Be rich, marry rich

Part-time Louisiana deputy...

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