Please Help Joel Stein Name His Baby!

To save his unborn son from his own tragically bad taste, Joel asks America to pick a name

Illustration by John Ueland for TIME

I expected to be flooded with many complicated emotions when I found out I was going to become a father, but instead, all I felt was this: naming this child is the most important writing assignment of my life. He will be like a column that not only sticks around forever but can also complain about itself.

Most people don't share the names they're thinking of with friends, family and readers of weekly newsmagazines because they don't want to be talked out of their choice or have it name-napped. Those people are stupid. Having written many things that people hate, I...

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