Lonely...with an Only

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Secondary infertility in a second marriage has a whole other layer of tension. A spouse who already has a child may not be as willing to undergo fertility treatments or choose adoption as is the spouse who is childless and desperately wants a family. "Couples need to agree upon a course of action, if any, and just how far they will go to have a child together," says Dr. Harriet Simons of Wellesley, Mass., author of the book Wanting Another Child: Coping with Secondary Infertility.

Susan Harlow, 45, who has a 25-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, tried to conceive a second child through fertility drugs and inseminations for the first eight years of her 13-year marriage to Jim. A diagnosis was made of pelvic adhesions and blocked Fallopian tubes. The high cost and low predicted-success rate dissuaded the Harlows from trying ivf. Although this was a struggle for both, it was a lot harder for Jim. "My wife always had her daughter Melissa to fall back on, and I just felt like I had to go at this alone," says Jim, 43, an auditor for the State of Oklahoma. "I'd have trouble going to a mall, for instance, because there are just too many kids there, and Susan couldn't understand that." Today, however, the couple shower three cats and one dog with affection. Says Jim: "Finding something you can focus on as a couple, other than your infertility, can help make all the difference."