Not In Our House

Tempe and Mark Frank had the birds-and-the-bees conversation with their three boys, now ages 18 to 22, a long time ago. The Woodstock, Ga., couple never imagined that the birds and bees would be brought beneath their roof, because Steve and Marty kept their romantic buzzings to themselves. But Brett, their middle son, 20, whose mother calls him "the lover boy," changed that one morning when he was a high school senior and the Franks woke up to discover that his girlfriend had slept over. "We didn't have a game plan before. We'd never really put much thought into it with boys," says Tempe. Birth control was at the top of the Franks' priorities, and once that was clear to Brett, he and his girlfriend were allowed to sleep together in the Frank home and at hers as well. "It's Brett's business. I wasn't going to treat him like a child," says Tempe. "And it's not like he's bringing home different girls. He's in love. What can you say?"

No, for one thing. But the issue is far more complicated than that. In an era in which sexual mores are ever changing, parents are being realistic in making rules for their kids concerning sex, wherever it may take place. Certainly, kids are active. More than half of the nation's 17-year-olds have had sexual intercourse, according to a 1999 study by the Alan Guttmacher Institute. And young couples are living together in far greater numbers than their boomer parents did before marriage. As families navigate this sensitive and often embarrassing terrain--neither child nor parent relishes the thought of the other having sex--David Treadway, a family therapist in Weston, Mass., notes approvingly that "people are trying to make judgments not based on moral systems but out of care and concern for their kid."

Gary and Andi Sherwin of Westlake Village, Calif., were always considered the cool parents by their 18-year-old son Joel's circle of friends. When Joel lived under their roof, they welcomed flocks of teens to their home and hosted coed sleepovers. "Three or four boys and girls sleep downstairs in sleeping bags, fully clothed. That's O.K.," says Gary, 56. But when Joel became sexually active, there was a tightening in the family rules, and Gary and Andi spelled them out with great specificity. No sleepovers with a girlfriend. Joel could entertain in his room behind closed doors--watch videos, listen to music--but at 10 p.m., the girlfriend had to go. No matter how liberal and open the Sherwins were, they did not, under any circumstances, want their son having sex under their roof when they were in the house. "I did not want to encourage it, but I didn't want to bury my head in the sand," says Gary. "I took the viewpoint, if he's gonna do it, he's gonna do it."

So, why the rules? Why not in the house? (Uh, Dad, can I borrow the car?) Says Andi: "We are uncomfortable. And we have a 14-year-old daughter. We have very few rules. But this is one. This is not a dorm room. It might be different if he were in a long-term relationship. But there could be 10 of them before that. And I don't want a string, a parade of these young women." And what does Joel think? "I don't think this is as big a deal as they make it out to be. I don't do anything to make them not trust me. I'm almost 19, I work hard, and I have goals that show I'm transitioning to manhood."

As usual, parents and kids are almost always on a different schedule in the sphere of rulemaking. Says Deborah Roffman, author of Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex: "As parents, we have to be able to express our values clearly, what we value and why. And we have to help our kids clarify their own values." Roffman says parents should not step outside their own personal comfort zone to accommodate kids. "I see parents all the time who say, 'I know they're going to do it anyway, so I might as well just give in.' That is not true. Parents need to provide safe and healthy limits around their child's behavior."

Peter and Lourdes Brown, both 50, thought they had reached a healthy balance of limit setting and open dialogue with their 20-year-old twin daughters Michelle and Angela. "We have always had a very open approach to their sexuality. The bottom line is we don't want them to deny portions of their lives with us--we want to have real relationships with them, not artificial ones," says Peter. But artifice was exactly what was at play when one twin told the Browns that she was sleeping at a girlfriend's house, only to have Lourdes call and discover that she wasn't there. Lourdes phoned the house of her daughter's boyfriend, and his father lied, denying she was there. "Then I was really worried. When she did call, I told her, 'I would rather know you're safe than worry about you sleeping with your boyfriend.'" After that, the Browns allowed boyfriends to sleep over in their home.

The Browns' decision stemmed partly from personal experience. Lourdes' Cuban, Roman Catholic parents had banished Peter from their home when the two were in their 20s and living together. "I could see then the unrealistic aspect of my parents' perspective, and I never wanted to ostracize my kids in the same way," says Lourdes.