The Stupid Bowl

Our reporter taps into the weird world of football side bets and devises one of his own

Illustration by Christoph Niemann for TIME

Like most people who gamble, I am very bad at it. But I continue to do it, owing to a delusion that I am awesome at everything and therefore can't possibly lose. Gambling for men isn't about winning money but about boosting our self-esteem by proving that we're always right. Women's self-esteem comes from healthier places, like starving themselves.

So there's no way I'm not going to bet on the Super Bowl, the biggest betting event of the year, despite the fact that I hate football and know nothing about it. Luckily, the thoughtful hosts who run gambling establishments don't want...

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