Punchlines: Oct. 30, 2006

"Oliver Stone says his next movie role will be the hunt for Osama bin Laden. The film is expected to be 300 hours long with no ending." JAY LENO

"A new government study has found that the average American car weighs 500 lbs. more than it did 10 years ago. However, this is only true if the average American is sitting in the car." CONAN O'BRIEN

"Ohio Congressman Bob Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-Semitism, and homosexual pedophilia." JON...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now

Subscribe
Subscribe

Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!