Punchlines: Sep. 18, 2006

"School has started again. All across the country, millions of kids are back at it--back to history, social studies, wedgies, noogies, swirlies, wet willies, algebra and purple nurples." JIMMY KIMMEL

"The Ford Motor Co. announced today that it has hired the head of Boeing Commercial Airplanes as its new CEO. The ex--Boeing chief says he's going to improve Ford cars by taking away the legroom and installing a crying baby." CONAN O'BRIEN

"In the Gulf of Mexico, drillers just discovered what could turn out to be the largest oil reserve ever. It could boost U.S. oil reserves by 50% and supply...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now


Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!