Get Ready, "The Pope Is Coming"

Given the task, a legion of angels would have helped. The shopping list was gargantuan: for San Antonio, 10,000 volunteer ushers; for Columbia, S.C., ten miles of crowd-control rope; for Miami, a call-up of 2,400 National Guardsmen; for Phoenix, 150,000 silver-hued crucifixes for distribution before and during Mass; for New Orleans, 1,500 potted mums for the altar and 1,700 portable toilets carted in from all over the South. Scores of committees have been working for two years and more planning the Pope's nine-city tour, and still not everything could be anticipated. Sounding bemused, Monsignor Roger Morin, chief planner for John Paul's 35-hour stop in New Orleans, sighed, "It's like having a dozen national conventions back to back on the same day."

The worries range from natural calamities to man-made disasters. Fretting over the possibility of bad weather in Miami, organizers scheduled the Pope's outdoor Mass there during the morning, when showers are least likely. City officials in Los Angeles, contemplating the nightmarish prospect of the Holy Father's being trapped in his Popemobile in the city's snail-like traffic, ordered up a helicopter. "Even God can't negotiate the freeways," acknowledged Robert Spann, coordinator of the papal visit for the National Conference of Catholic Bishops. In San Antonio, heat is a big concern; after planners of the outdoor Mass allotted only 6 sq. ft. of standing room for each of 500,000 expected worshipers, the Metropolitan Health director, Dr. Katharine Rathbun, quit. "It's too dangerous," she warned, "and for the love of God, don't bring your children." Church officials insisted there was no cause for alarm; but just in case, a 600-bed field hospital has been arranged.

Comparatively speaking, there were fewer fears about protesters. "We are aware that America is a very open and outspoken society," says Vatican Spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls calmly. John Paul's personal party of 15 includes only four security men. But an undisclosed number of U.S. Secret + Service officers will help guard him throughout the visit along with, naturally, the police forces in each city. The Pope is sure to be confronted by demonstrators angry about papal positions. Indeed, some started early. Last week Eleanor Smeal, ex-president of NOW, was among those arrested protesting the status of women in the church at the Vatican embassy in Washington. The gay Catholic group Dignity plans a vigil in Detroit to pray for the Pope's enlightenment on lesbian and gay rights issues. In Los Angeles, feminist, homosexual and atheist groups have formed an ad hoc alliance to stage a vigil outside the parish house of St. Vibiana's Cathedral, where the Pope will be staying, in hopes that their chanting will keep him awake all night.

The biggest advance protest, however, has been about the money being spent. Texas Catholics are dishing out $2.5 million for his visit to San Antonio. In San Francisco, $600,000 will be spent just for press facilities; preparing the places where the Pope will appear will cost an additional $1 million. Such seemingly large outlays have angered some who believe the money would be better spent on the poor. Charges Margaret Traxler, a founder of the feminist- leaning National Coalition of American Nuns: "Twenty million dollars for a ten-day visit is immoral!" Not at all, responds Archbishop John L. May, president of the Bishops' Conference: "The church spends that amount of money on the poor every two or three days." John Paul's visit, the St. Louis prelate adds, will "help a lot of us reaffirm our commitment to our Catholic tradition." Conference Spokesman Carl Eifert calculates that the $20 million cost for the entire visit amounts to 38 cents for each of the nation's 53 million Catholics.

While debate swirls over the trip's cost, no one has any idea what to do about the commercial mania. The Bishops' Conference decided against any licensing of souvenirs; such efforts in the past, in Britain and on the Pope's 1979 U.S. visit, not only caused some controversy but also failed to produce as much income as expected. Private enterprisers, however, are not holding back. The bevy of kitschy papal souvenirs include Pope-shaped car air fresheners, Pope-on-a-rope soap, Pope Scopes -- actually periscope-like cardboard boxes with reflectors that allow viewers to see above crowds -- and "Holey See" masks, which are cutouts of the papal visage complete with miter.

The inevitable T shirts are emblazoned with slogans that range from < straightforward (THE POPE IS COMING) to egregious (POPE MCKENZIE, THE ORIGINAL VATICAN ANIMAL, an unauthorized play on the Budweiser ad). In Detroit, one of the hottest items is a $2 button of John Paul sporting a Detroit Tigers cap with the caption BLESS YOU BOYS. The prize for the most spectacularly tasteless souvenir goes to a Detroit firm that is marketing a $55, 30-in.-high aluminum Pope-shaped lawn sprinkler, called Let Us Spray. Not everyone is afflicted with the commercial bug. Some ticket brokers thought scalping for papal rallies would be a bit much. "Frankly, I think it's sacrilegious," said Rick Kline, of Los Angeles' Front Row Center Ticket Service.

There will be the usual gush of glitter without which outpourings of American emotion seem to be incomplete. Al Hirt will be trumpeting Ave Maria at a New Orleans Mass, while the city fathers, curing a lack that would never be noticed by the Pope, have imported 60 palm trees from Florida. Mayor Clint Eastwood's day will be made when he greets the Pope in Carmel. And in Detroit, Catholic Laymen Lee Iacocca and Tom Monaghan, of Chrysler and Domino's Pizza respectively, signed a letter raising funds "for the kind of welcome that all of us want to show the Holy Father." General Motors came up with 100 new Pontiac loaners, white with maroon interiors, for use by the papal retinue.

And, of course, there must be lawyers. American Civil Liberties Union attorneys complained about a plan to erect a 100-ft.-high cross at the state- owned Tamiami Park for a papal Mass in Miami. Under a compromise agreement, Catholic officials will cover the cross with black fabric until the day of the actual event. Finally, no one would know anything about the whole undertaking without the media. More than 16,000 members of the press have been accredited. Spann says they have all requested a personal interview with the Pope.